A Whole Lotta 30 (Day 12)

[EDIT: My upset is somewhat cancelled out because work called off sushi in favor of salads. LIFE, you guys!]

Well, I’m past Days 10-11, which are officially “The Hardest Days,” when the most people tend to quit. So I guess we can pat ourselves on the backs.

Days 12-15 are “Boundless energy! Now give me a damn Twinkie.”

And while you are about to see that the latter is very much activated, the former has not necessarily manifest. Which is very annoying. I have enough energy to rant here, but not any MORE energy than usual.

I mean, to be fair, the Whole30 peeps feel our rage-pain. Here’s their write-up:

Hurray! The slump is over! Your pants fit again! Your energy levels are better than normal – you’re downright Tigger the bouncing tiger! But something weird is happening. You’re dreaming. Not crazy nightmare or strange surrealist dreams, either. Incredibly normal and realistic dreams – about donuts. Or Twinkies. Or Snickers.* In your mind, sometimes you get caught and feel guilty. Sometimes you just brazenly eat the contraband. But then, the feelings start following you into the waking hours. Suddenly, you’re craving things you don’t even like. (For me, it’s Diet Coke and Twinkies, for Melissa Hartwig, it was fast-food cheeseburgers!) Your co-workers’ heads transform into giant Girl Scout Cookies as you gaze on in disbelief. Seriously, you’ve almost hit the halfway mark, and now this?!

All joking aside, though, this phase gets really intense and for some people. This is the part of the program where our minds try to drive us back to the comfort of the foods we used to know. Our food relationships are deeply rooted and strongly reinforced throughout the course of our lives and breaking through them is really big deal. Journaling can be especially enlightening and helpful during this phase, and helpful for reflection later. Take some time to jot down what you’re craving, how you’re feeling and what tools you’re using to work through the cravings.

*The cravings people get, and the dreams they often have, rival those of pregnancy. One person told me they craved pickles and Doritos (together) during this phase!

(Incidentally, one of my pet peeves is when people misspell “hooray.”)

On the dream front, a few nights ago I dreamt that I quit Whole30 because I decided to binge on WHITE-CHOCOLATE KIT-KATS, which is… so bizarre. Is that anybody’s favorite candy??

Anyway… Sam and I are both SO over it. And we aren’t even halfway done!

Today is Friday, and I’ve been dreading it for a few days now. Why, you ask?

Because today at work we’re having delicious sushi, ice cream cake, and happy hour.

AKA we’re having a great fucking day at the office, and I can’t participate in it.

The are going to be BAKED! CRAB! HANDROLLS! Just sitting there calling my name, while I eat leftovers. I could not be less excited about today’s leftovers. (No offense to Sam… he gets it.)

I’m so upset.

And it’s not just this. There’s a screening on Monday that promises free snacks. There are parties next weekend. (Not to mention that the people at our usual food haunts probably think we’re DEAD.)

We miss living our usual life.

And we are not even HALF. WAY. DONE.

Cue rage, and tears.

And I don’t entirely believe this BS that I need to find another way to reward myself, because GUESS WHAT? I’m allowed to look forward to meals. Meals are allowed to be treats sometimes.

On any other diet, I would see this day coming and think — okay, I’ve been good, I can indulge in moderation, this is fine.

But on this diet, there is no room for fun. One bite of the wrong thing, and it’s supposedly “game over.”

This morning Sam looked at me and said, “We never should have done this.” He is still feeling really crappy and stomach-gross. Poor guy has been cooking (and cleaning a million dishes) like a fucking CHAMP.

I mean, I KNOW that change doesn’t happen overnight. But really, REALLY, is this worth it?

I cried when he said that, because choices are hard. Then I cried a little on the way to work. (And then cried a little more because I started listening to an unexpectedly emotional podcast.)

As I’ve said before, I’m scared to quit cold-turkey because apparently that will cause major intestinal distress. And there’s a part of me that’s still thinking — we’re SO CLOSE to allegedly feeling amazing, we can’t stop now!

At the same time, after 30 days we’re going to eat normal again anyway, so… how much can our lives REALLY change if we stick to this for another… dear Lord… EIGHTEEN DAYS?!

And maybe I’m talking from within a sugar-free rage, but I feel like there is logic to NOT eating this way. I don’t want to be a quitter, but… what if quitting just makes more sense?

So we’re in a real pickle here.  (With or without Doritos.)

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