A Whole Lotta 30 (Day 5)

Day 4/5 are supposed to be “Kill ALL The Things.” Yesterday I was fine, but so far Day 5 has been more like… cry all the things?

I could say it’s a “chicken or egg” situation, because I have a few things on my mind, but I don’t usually cry over ACTUAL chicken and eggs.

Last night I had chicken for dinner. Today I brought the same chicken for lunch. Tonight we are going to have a chicken stew, which should last us for a few days… (And it must be said, I am VERY grateful to Sam for commandeering the cooking of these meals.)

I’m a person who likes variety. I don’t like to eat the same meat twice in a row. (Like, I will text Sam to make sure we’re not having chicken for dinner, if I plan to order it at lunchtime.) Usually it’s not a HUGE deal. But thinking about all that chicken in a row in the shower this morning, I felt fully nauseated.

I went to make my two-eggs for breakfast for the fourth day in a row, and when I looked at the eggs I almost burst into tears. My eyes welled up. It was ridiculous, but it was what it was.

Sam suggested that I have a banana instead, which I worried would be less filling. But I just couldn’t face the eggs, so I grabbed a banana… and it was over-ripe.

So I sucked it up and made ONE egg, in protest. I angrily sauteed some spinach to go along with it, and cut open a new avocado, which was like 1/4 brown. (Why does that happen so often??)

Weirdly enough, my fantasy has just been, like, a tender piece of beef. Which we can totally make. I just worry about eating that much red meat. We already had a beef chili this week, and I usually eat beef more sparingly.

You’d think I’d be fantasizing about literally anything on my can’t-eat list. But there you have it.

I should be fantasizing about beans, which are off-limits and provide a nice meat-free protein option in my normal life. (Whole30 is not particularly vegetarian/vegan friendly… I think they’re allowed to eat beans?)

Wait… I mean, really I should be fantasizing about pasta? Bread? Dairy? I don’t know, brains are weird. (Also… a lot of times I’m excited to eat that stuff, but in reality it’s kind of a let-down??)

It’s strange because in my normal-eating life (which Whole30 calls the Standard American Diet… aka SAD… which actually does make me want to punch them right now, a little), I would like to set a goal to eat less meat, overall.

The thing about the term “SAD” that makes me want to punch them is the smug-ness. I’m not denying that it’s a little sad, the American way of eating.

This is definitely the closest I’ve come to wanting to be done with it, but it’s not that it’s so hard. It’s just boring. I feel like if we quit now, we haven’t even gotten to the part that (allegedly) makes it worth it… which is, like, at least 10 days from now???

Even if life sometimes feels hard and stressful, food is ideally supposed to be easy. Sam said the other day that not being able to eat his usual snacks, or go out to his usual haunts for a bite, feels very lonely. Food isn’t just food. It’s all tied up in our emotions.

So I guess any way you slice it, it’s not entirely easy.

It’s funny because on one hand in strange times it feels good to have full control over one’s diet. On the other hand, it creates more stress, because it’s like… I can’t just grab a yogurt at work. I can’t go out and browse the M&Ms with my new co-workers. (We have so many flavors right now!)

I HAVE to cook these eggs — and then worse, eat them — or my day is going to suck. Because if I don’t have breakfast, I’ll be hungry. And I have to hold out until lunch. Leftover chicken lunch. Whoop-de-doo.

I usually look forward to my meals. I miss that. I know that food isn’t supposed to be a treat on Whole30, but… is that so wrong? Treats are nice! We pick them over tricks!

Happily for my book club deadline, I finished “A Gentleman In Moscow” this morning. Even though it was a 10-hour Kindle read, now I wish it had been longer. I’m gonna miss that Count. He was a good distraction from America, 2017.

Sam is reading David Sedaris’ journals, which is making me wish I’d kept real-life journals. But instead, I’ve been sporadically blogging.

Sigh. Cry. Barf.

Apparently we’re supposed to feel really tired the next two days, so at least it’ll be the weekend.

Whatever. I’m having a bleak morning. I’m sure I’ll be fine and dinner will be delicious.

Don’t cry for me, I’ve got it covered.

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