Everything’s Just Dandelion (Tea)

These dogs are not our dog, but they are like our dog.

Hi guys. It’s been a while but in my defense I thought I hadn’t blogged since before we moved, so it’s actually been… less while.

The really big news is that we got a dog, a 4-year-old (ish) bichpoo. That was actually the last thing we did in 2015 — we found Charlie at our local shelter on December 30th. He probably had the worst Christmas because he’d spent the week in the shelter recovering from a probable coyote attack… AND getting neutered.

But next year he’s going to have the best, most spoiled Christmas AND Hannukah. And since we don’t know his birthday (they assigned him June 30th), every day is his birthday. In my opinion.

For a while I was nervous to post about him. Even though he came in as a stray, I was worried we’d get Little Orphan Annie’d and someone would come forward being like, that orphan is mine!

Even still, I’m hesitant to post a picture for some stupid reason (lazy?), but you can see him on my social media.

The other big thing, but you already knew about it, is that we’re getting married… THIS SUNDAY. Time flies. And warps. And stuff.

Even though it’s in like… 3-ish days (?!), I still feel like it’s not going to be here soon enough. Basically I have to get through tomorrow, and then it’s my wedding weekend. But it’s still like… argh! So far away!

In the end I went to the gym and got in better shape, but then when my dress came and was nice and loose, they cinched it in and made it so tight. To reward me? (Allegedly it will stretch out and eventually allow for full breathing.) So I got no boning, and a tight dress, and that’s life. No good workout goes unpunished.

But pro-tip: If you want a non-Spank bicycle short that is completely seamless? Hanky Pankies.

Up until this week I was still eating pretty much whatever, because I’ve been going to the gym EVERY DAY. I’m still out of work, but at least I have this wonderful schedule of gym classes and teachers and friendly retirees who Zumba beside me. Like, I almost cried saying goodbye to my Zumba teacher after our final class together today. And I’ve only known her for maybe 60 days. She’s that good.

But anyway, this week I got a little more paranoid about bloat and complexion and stuff, and tonight Sam went out and I sat around stressing about what I could eat for dinner that would be low-sodium, non-bloat, etc. It kind of reminded me of how I would stress and be afraid to eat when I was vegan.

So I did now what I did then: Went to Trader Joe’s and bought a bunch of random stuff to cook up together. (I had read not to eat beans or cruciferous vegetables, but I really don’t know if the following stuff is low-bloat or not.)

-Lean kosher white meat ground turkey (many adjectives)

-Baby spinach

-Sliced mushrooms

-Roma tomatoes

-Brown rice medley


-Avocado (forgot to use)

The checkout guy asked me what I was going to make for dinner and I said, “That stuff.” He told me that where his dad is from (the South), they call it “succotash.” So I made bridal succotash. Basically I cooked up all that stuff with lemon oil and a bunch of garlic, and added pepper.

I kept thinking of myself as the shitty version of Smitten Kitchen, which I guess would be Shittin’ Kitchen? Hopefully not?! (OR maybe yes? What do I even hope to accomplish?!)

image1 (3)
This is actually what I cooked.

It was okay.

Also, I got a test spray tan, and I’m here to say, it was not a great idea for me, for my wedding. I felt a little too orange when I wore white. But I did bravely flash my boobs at yet another woman in the service of wedding stuff. (I found that the best dress salons were like, “No bra! Just flash your boobs at me!”)

But getting rid of the tan has led to a lot of good exfoliating.

Finally, I don’t know if I’ve ever talked about her here, but I have the best eyebrow lady and she is always telling me her secret remedies, like how horse wound spray will clear your zits in a day. (I actually wish now that I had some.)

I am actually finally trying one of her remedies, which is to drink dandelion root tea to try to get rid of water bloat. It tastes fine and comes from Whole Foods. I’m not foraging or anything. (Sam tried it too, but quickly returned to Earl Grey.)

I’m also not 100% sure if it’s working, but at the very least I’m detoxing my kidneys. I’m also trying to do that by drinking a lot of water, paradoxically. But I think I never get enough.

Other than worrying about how I look a little more than usual, the wedding build-up hasn’t been particularly stressful this month. Actually, if you have vendors lined up, the month of the wedding they swoop in like super-heroes. There were so many little decor things we weren’t sure about, and in one meeting with our florist she gave us so many helpful suggestions that it was like, you saved us!

So yes, I recommend vendors. And anything you DIY, keep it simple. Like, I quickly decided that I could handle doing the calligraphy for the place cards, but not writing out any big written signs. So I didn’t. It’s been great.

And I recommend getting/having a dog, because Charlie is equal parts therapist, teddy bear, and ball of light and happiness. (He’s also a little imp, but that’s part of his charm. It’s also why he’s not invited to the wedding.)

I’m going to miss him so much on the honeymoon.

Oh yes, the honeymoon! This will probably not come as a shock… we decided to follow the food. So we’re going to Salzburg, and then Italy. Last time I was in that area was 10+ years ago, and I was vegan, on a tight budget, and didn’t really drink. This time it’s gonna be a no-rules food-fest.

I’m pretty excited to take Sam to an authentic beer garden (biergarten?). I think he’s gonna like that. And you know, all the pasta. (Goodbye wedding body, I hardly knew ye.)

So yeah. If I’m on it maybe I’ll do a honeymoon blog in the future. I’m not going to say the near future, that might be too ambitious.

I’m probably forgetting to do a bunch of wedding stuff, but it feels productive to blog. There was a period recently where I’d just do Snapchat filters on my face when I was home alone. In my defense, they’re really fun.

Okay, fine, here’s a picture of Charlie.

2016-04-14 19.58.24
He’s got my looks! (Don’t worry, it only looks like we’re strangling him. He’s fine.)

Okay, I hope my loyal readers enjoyed the rambling. Everybody else, I’m sorry. But if you got this far, you either secretly liked it, or you’re a dedicated hate-reader. Or both.

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