Going Vegan (Or Else…)

Artist’s depiction of my doctor’s appointment.

Hello! I’m back! If you are a real human person you may not have missed my blog posts, but I’ve been a real hit among spam-robot commenters. This one’s for them…

Remember 2ish, 3ish years ago, when I gave up red meat for my cholesterol? And remember also how I’m allegedly/debatably lactose intolerant, even though I eat cheese a lot?

Well, it’s time to go to the NEXT LEVEL! Why? Because my cholesterol went back up, which prompted me to go to a real cardiologist! (Rather than just relying on my gynecologist to run my lipids test once a year.)

Do you want to know what’s fun about going to a cardiologist? You get an EKG! (Also, he was a pretty fun guy.)

Do you want to know what ISN’T fun? Everybody else there is really, really old, like, old enough that they are openly, morosely discussing their mortality. [The woman across from me, to her older-than-me granddaughter: “Well, it looks like I’m going to make it to 95, but I really doubt I’ll make it to 100.” The man next to me, to his son: “I just don’t understand why God took your mother instead of me…”]

I felt out of place for being so young, but somewhat better about myself. At least youth is on my side!  (I also felt good because the cardiologist did not fat-shame me about my cholesterol.)

Anyway, the bottom line is that in order to avoid being medicated, I have to get my cholesterol down again. And the best kind of diet for getting cholesterol down is vegan-esque. I can eat some occasional fish, and cheat on special occasions of my own choosing, but other than that I shouldn’t eat meat, dairy, french fries or Doritos. (He specifically called out Doritos.)

Just say no.

I’m not supposed to eat anything that has a mother/face.

Me: Can I eat dairy?

Dr: Come on! Does dairy have a mother?

Me: (in my head: no? yes? what? trick question?) Uh…

Dr: No. No dairy.

So… yeah. It’s kind of a bummer, but it’s also kind of whatever. It’s my choice. And I was a vegan for two months once, before I had to stop because I was in Italy, because… come on. Italy. So… I know I can do it for the next six-ish months (if I avoid Italy), at which point I’ll get tested and see if my cholesterol went down. I really hope it works, because I just don’t want to go on medication yet.

I’m mainly worried about how to get protein. So if you have any tips, and you are not a spam-robot, hit me up in the comments.

And I’ll try to post some catch-up blogs that feature all the delicious stuff that I ate before vegan-ness this went into effect.


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