A Brief Examination of ARCTIC ZERO

What are you?

As long as I’m talking about chocolate ice cream alternatives, I thought I’d take a moment to present you with the curious case of Arctic Zero.

I was at my local Gelson’s, browsing the frozen section for non-dairy ice cream, when I noticed the label’s claim: lactose-intolerance friendly, gluten free… 150 calories per pint. Excuse me, what?? I had to take a closer look…

Monk fruit?

It seemed a little weird — I typically don’t trust anything that claims to be… well, too good to be true.  But I figured, what the hell? Might as well check it out.

So I bought the Arctic Zero, took it home… and was immediately disappointed that there were no physical cookie pieces in my “cookies and cream.” That’s the best part of cookies & cream.

Smooth like a Ken doll.

The melty part was okay… that’s always good. But when it’s frozen, Arctic Zero has a weird mouth-feel. It’s kind of… fluffy? Sponge-y? I don’t know, there’s something a little off about the whole thing. It’s probably 67% air. And 33% secret chemicals?

I told my sister (Dana) about Arctic Zero — thinking it was a brand new product — and she said, “Oh yeah, I’ve had that. If you eat it all at once, you’ll get a stomachache.” Which made me laugh, because — I had no intention of eating it all in one sitting. I was apprehensive about eating a few spoonfuls.

Since then, I’ve had Arctic Zero exactly once: when Dana came over. Other than that, I haven’t been tempted. The original pint’s just sitting in my freezer, and I guess it’s been super low calorie for me —  in the sense that I never feel like eating it.

Hence, the search for the perfect almond milk ice cream recipe continues…

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