Do It Yourself: Foolproof Turkey Meatballs

They taste better than they look in this picture.

Happy April Fools’ Day, everybody!

This is not one of my favorite holidays, because… let’s face it, nobody likes to get fooled. (I don’t get fooled so much as I hate calling bullshit on people, because I try to be tactful.) (Unless we’re good friends. Then I’m calling your bullshit all over the place.)

Don’t get me wrong. Obvious April Fools jokes are funny. Like, Serious Eats just announced that they are launching three new sites: Serious Teats, Serious Wheats & Serious Beets. Obvious joke. Very cute. (Unless it’s not a joke. Then it’s very strange.)

But the rise of Facebook has made April Fools’ Day super-awkward, because we all have those oversharing friends who announce really good/bad news via Facebook. Whether or not you got engaged/divorced/diagnosed with herpes THIS MORNING, April Fools’ Day is just a bad day to announce things. The friends who bite look stupid for making sympathetic comments, and the friends who call bullshit look like jerks if it’s real.

And it’s just bad karma to pretend that something terrible happened to you.

In case you need it.

ANYWAY, here is the meatball recipe as promised. This is one of the few foods I have been in the practice of cooking on a regular-ish basis, and they are SO simple. I got the recipe from my mom. She got it from a sage at the top of Mt. Everest. (APRIL FOOLS!) (I don’t know where she got it.)

This is what you need:

-1 package of Jennie-O Lean Ground Turkey (that’s what I use… any ground turkey will do)

-1 cap-full of Kretschmer Wheat Germ (the most versatile stuff on Earth… also tastes great in yogurt)

-1 egg (my mom has since dropped the egg, but I still use it) (dropped from the recipe, not on the floor)

-2 tablespoons ketchup (I think I tend to use more than that, because I eyeball it)

I mix it all together with my hands. Meanwhile, I’ve got a big pan at the ready, spritzed with canola oil non-stick spray. (Turn on the heat right before you dive your hands into the meat.) (Awesome.)

Make smallish sized meatballs (it’s turkey, you want it to cook all the way through) and toss them onto the pan, going quickly. Ideally you finish making all the meatballs and rinse your hands quickly. Then grab the spatula and flip away. If you were fast enough, the first meatballs you put down won’t have burned.

Keep cooking them until they’re browned and look ready to eat– 5 or 10 minutes. If your meatballs are big, split a few in half to make sure they’re not pink on the inside. They tend to kinda fall apart, but don’t worry. The crumbly parts are good. And if you store them in the fridge, they’ll congeal a bit more.

I also like to steam some cauliflower. I’ve probably mentioned it before: cauliflower + sauce + meatballs = SO GOOD. I buy the steam-in-bag variety at the store and zap it in the microwave at the beginning of the festivities. Usually I kinda forgot to free the cauliflower from the microwave. By the time I open the steamer bag, the cauliflower has gotten nice and soft– ready for mushing into the meat. (Awesome.)

Okay, now you have all the tools to make a semi-gourmet romantic dinner. Because nothing says “I love you” like some crumbly meatballs.

But PLEASE PLEASE– if you invite a guy over tonight, don’t be April Fools-ing him. That’s just cruel.


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One thought on “Do It Yourself: Foolproof Turkey Meatballs

  1. you must be mis-remembering. The recipe calls for two tablespoons mustard, not ketchup.
    yeah, you guessed it, april fools :b

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