Snack Trek: SWEET TEA (McDonald’s)

Bad life choices.

The following is a real chat transcript, from 11:39pm last night–


Friend: knowing you, that’s not a metaphor

Me: no, there are pictures to prove that i just drank a mega-ton of it. SO STUPID.

How did this happen? Let’s back up an hour or two…

Last night Bea (my Tall Texan Twin) and I dined at Tender Greens. We ate all manner of goodness, including a big lemon cupcake, which was apparently very sugary. (I thought it was buttery? Maybe both?) (Of course I have pictures– I’ll post them sooner or later.) So I was already laden with sugar. Keep that in mind.

Somehow our discussion turned to sweet tea, and the fact that I’ve never tried it but have always wanted to try it. There’s a McDonald’s on every corner (and one right across Vine from this Tender Greens) (haha, Vine… Greens), so we sprang into sweet tea-acquiring action.

I don’t know how many ounces that container holds? 32? 64? A hundred million? All for $1.10. Not bad. (VERY BAD.)

When I think of sweet tea, I think of an interview I once read with Reese Witherspoon, about how she’s a Southern gal and loves to make sweet tea in big jars. (Maybe I’m misremembering. Sorry if this is slander, Reese.) But McDonald’s does not want me to picture Southern belles and dainty acts of hospitality (dirty!) when I think of sweet tea…

This ain't yo mama's tea!

“This is no dainty, garden party tea…?” Excuse me? Are they marketing this tea to macho men? (The macho-est thing about this sweet tea is the AMOUNT. That cup is the size of a linebacker.) That little blurb does not compute to me at all, because I want to revel in the Reese Witherspoon-y-ness of sweet tea.

But I love that lemon graphic. Nice work. I’m lovin’ it.

Sweet tea looks like Coke, in pictures.

Too much tea! Shut it down!

I asked Bea what exactly is IN this stuff that makes it so crackishly addictive, and she said that she thinks it’s just iced tea with massive amounts of sugar. (It didn’t taste THAT sweet to me, which makes me question my taste buds.) Reese Witherspoon indicated that there were spices involved! Bea conceded that there might be some cinnamon? Oh man, cinnamon is just busting out all over in my life right now.

Have you noticed that there’s a chaste version of spin the bottle on the table? (I like the happy little cancer heart with the bandaged face.) It’s weird, and also oddly NOT chaste. I’m not sure what the Ronald McDonald House people had in mind, but my version of a “giggle giver” might get me arrested for public indecency.

I didn’t plan on drinking much of this tea, or at least I planned on splitting it evenly with Bea. But I don’t think that happened. I think I consumed the majority of the tea. (I gave in to the power of the tea, a la ZOOLANDER.) (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, drop everything, turn left, and see ZOOLANDER.) I got totally sugar-high on sweet tea. Like, redonk.

The last photo before the sugar really kicked in.

I DID finish it down to the bottom, but that was too shameful to merit a picture.

Fun fact: McDonald’s at 10pm-ish in LA is full of creepy homeless people and farting tourists who speak a language I have NEVER HEARD IN MY LIFE. (And refer to the women of their group as “Lady,” in a sneering, derogatory way.) So… I’m glad we survived. (Hmm, maybe the “this is no dainty garden party” of it all is aimed at THOSE guys…)

Next time we’re going to try Chick Fil A’s sweet tea, which is apparently at least equally delicious– if not more. (Bea’s enthusiasm about the whole thing is infectious… and she’s very excited to introduce me to the special sauce.) (I can’t remember what it’s called. I was distracted by GIANT TEA.)

I woke up sweet tea high and had a sweet tea hangover (and was probably sweating sugar-water at the gym this morning), but I guess that’s par for the course.

Reese Witherspoon knows what I’m talking about!



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