It’s Passover, which means that every snack/meal I eat is pretty much a game of, What Would Taste Good on Matzo? Answer: almost anything.
And yes, I know I’m spelling matzo with an -o, even though it’s pronounced “matz-ah.” It’s transliteration, so I can do what I want! The key is to pick one spelling and stick with it. I spell Hanukkah like this every time, even though other people spell it Chanukah or whatever. I’m stickin’ to my guns, people! (Mazal tov to me!)
In preparing to write this story, I decided to look up the really intense list of what-not-to-eat. GUESS WHAT? Half of what I ate for lunch today is verboten. Peanuts… oops! Chickpeas… oops! (I ate hummus… but that’s so Jewish, come on!) Mustard… oops? (I rolled up some turkey and avocado with hummus and mustard, and I am NOT apologizing for it.) I also INTENDED to drink soy milk. Demerits!
But whatever. I didn’t even know about that list until college. Basically, I try not to eat bread. Or anything with yeast that had to rise. But I’m not supposed to eat pasta or rice, either? (But it might be okay if I was Sephardic?) Or beer? Or KETCHUP? Okay, I’m pretty sure I’ve never had a legit kosher Passover in my life.
But I’m okay with that. I’m not about to climb into a hot tub time machine and try to correct myself.
In short, Moses led the Jews through the desert for 40 years so that I could totally bastardize the rules of his holiday and eat matzo smeared in all the wrong shit and topped with chocolate. Oooopz.
Oh well… at least I’m trying. HAPPY PASSOVER!