What Are You??: VAMPIRE DIARIES Episode 5

I figured it out!
I figured it out!

Episode 105: “You’re Undead to Me” Air Date: 10/8/09

Last night, Elena figured out that Stefan is a vampire. FINALLY. She literally stood in front of the mirror, thought about all the facts, and then realized, OH FUCK, my boyfriend is a vampire. At the end of the episode, Elena asked Stefan that time-honored question: “What ARE you?!”

Unlike “Twilight” or “True Blood,” where the girlfriend requires zero time to process the news, it looks like Elena’s going to have a more appropriate response. Next week’s preview shows her angry, scared, shouting, and crying. I can’t wait! (I’ll post the promo closer to next Thursday… right now, only the official website’s embedded version starts with Stefan definitively saying, “I’m a vampire.”)

So… that ending eclipsed the episode, but here are some things that happened:

(Skip to the end of this entry for some of next week’s photos…)

-Stefan disappeared for several days while he was dealing with Damon. Elena didn’t want to call him, because she didn’t want to be one of those girls whose world revolves around whether or not a guy calls. Sure, nobody wants to BE that girl, but everyone IS that girl, when the guy doesn’t call.

-Stefan returned and told Caroline that Damon was gone… forever. (Aka he was languishing in the dungeon.) Caroline put Damon’s amber crystal on a chain and hung it in her room. (When the light hits it, it makes one of those Pagan star symbols, but Caroline doesn’t know that yet.)

-Stefan tried to make up for his disappearance and closed-up-ness (“If you’re gonna dump me, you should at least know who you’re dumping,” he said) by cooking a surprise Italian dinner for Elena, really playing up his Italian roots. (I’m not a vampire! I’m just really Italian!) He said “mootzarella,” which made me laugh. He also chopped up a garlic clove. Huh. I guess he’s not garlic-averse. (Neither is Vampire Bill.)

-Elena made Stefan promise to eat his garlic bread if she ate his garlic bread, and he said, “I love garlic.” This is one of the many Unwritten Rules of Kissing Conduct: If kissing is going to occur in the near future, it’s okay to eat a breath-altering food, if the other person does too. This brings up the whole, Does Stefan Eat? question, but we don’t see the answer.

-Stefan told Elena some stuff about Katerine, but mostly he told her about his favorite music, etc. He even likes “that one Miley song,” which is funny because they probably had a different one in mind when they wrote it. But by now, it’s totally “Party in the USA.” Also funny because Damon said that girls love him because he tolerates Taylor Swift. And Stefan’s favorite movie is TAXI DRIVER. Violent. (Also: complicated. I haven’t seen it, but you can see from Wikipedia that there might be some parallels…)

-Other Stefan faves: The Great Gatsby (makes total sense… all about someone trying to be someone he’s not, pursuing a girl– oh wait, not too far off from TAXI DRIVER, huh?), “Seinfeld” (ha… vampires and Jews), and “I Love Lucy” (his fave episode: “Lucy and the Loving Cup”). He’s leaving out anything pre-1950s… like banjo music and Mark Twain.

-Elena cut her finger while chopping garlic, and somehow Stefan got some of her blood on his hand. He vamped out big time, with scary eyes and fangs, and Elena saw it all reflected in a glass cabinet. But he managed to dodge her long enough to get back to normal before she could see him face-to-face. She chalked it all up to a hallucination.

-We heard the Howie Day song (“Be There”) that was the free video of the week on iTunes last week. And an Imogen Heap song from “Ellipse” (love that CD). And “Don’t Trust Me” by 3OH!3. This show is full of music that is on my iTunes. Seriously. I’m so CW and I didn’t even know it. (How do they afford so much music? Or is it free, and later they’ll have a fight when they try to issue the DVDs?)

-The students held a car wash in memory of Coach Tanner (Dick). Remember how he died of an “animal attack?” Caroline made it a rule that everyone had to wear a bikini. (HA.) Stefan adorably helped Elena remove her sweater, which got all tangled up in her elbows and hair (and Stefan was the only non-shirtless guy… what up with that?). Elena offered to stow Stefan’s “lapus lazuli” ring (he said “latzooli” in his newly-very-Italian way), but he wouldn’t part with it. Because… without it, he’s toast. (Also, lapus lazuli was my Jewish sorority’s jewel… Jews and vampires, you guys.)

-Elena kept running into this old man who turned out to be her classmate’s grandpa (and the classmate’s name was Tiki!), and he said that he knew Stefan and Damon… in 1953. And that their Uncle Joseph died of an animal attack. Reporter-Logan let Elena use the local news archives, and she found footage of Stefan in 1953. (UGH, they should have changed their names.)

-Damon was locked in the vervain-filled dungeon, and used his mind powers to lure Caroline to the house to open the basement door. So Caroline saw a well-dressed Damon phantom popping up and saying “help me,” which was cool. Also, when Caroline said, “You bit me,” to Damon, he replied, “You liked it.” Heh. So “True Blood.”

-Zach tried to stop Caroline from unlocking the dungeon, but he was too late. (Um, maybe it wasn’t secure enough, if Caroline could just open it.) Damon couldn’t drink Zach– he had been drinking vervain tea for sixteen years. So he killed Zach, and chased Caroline in his weak, stumbly state. BUT he didn’t have his ring on, so when Caroline opened the door, he got an intense sunburn (it healed quickly) and stayed inside.

-I was right about Caroline’s dad. He has a boyfriend. I guess it makes sense that he married Caroline’s mom, because she’s the butchiest woman in town. (She’s really not that butch, other than the police uniform and the short hair, but it’s the CW.)

-Bonnie made a bunch of crazy witch stuff happen. She made a car burst into flames. Stefan knocked her out of her car-torching trance, and totally knows that she’s a witch. Supernatural creatures always recognize each other like that!

-Elena’s druggie-little-bro Jeremy dated Vicki “in the light,” and Aunt Jenna didn’t seem to care that her freshman nephew was having sleepovers with the town’s most promiscuous high schooler? Vicki stole Elena’s leftover pain medication from the whole car-accident-where-the-parents-died, and Jeremy was NOT cool with that, or with getting high any more, or with Vicki’s weird graveyard friends. So… they broke up.

-But then, in the dark, Damon attacked Vicki. For– what?– the third time? I thought she was dead, but previews tell me that she lives, but something crazy happens… maybe Damon turns her into a vampire? Ugh. Third time’s the charm. She should be dead already.

-And Reporter-Logan stole Jeremy’s magical pocket watch.

-Speaking of Reporter-Logan, he and Caroline’s mom talked about how they’re searching for the vampires in caves, and looking for people who are only out at night (you know, vampire stuff). Or they could just, you know… see if any of the original founders of Mystic Falls (c. long long time ago, should be dead) happen to be attending the high school. I hope they figure this all out when they see Stefan on the football roster! (SHOULD HAVE USED AN ALIAS.)

-Elena stood in front of a mirror piecing together everything she knew about Stefan and Damon, and grabbing her hair. Bites. Weird reflections. Blood sucking attacks. Magic healing. Matt telling her that Vicki said she was bit by a vampire. (HA.) UH OH. Just as Stefan was heading to stake Damon for killing Zach (why stake him over Uncle Zach, and not poor Uncle Joseph?), Elena showed up at his doorstep with the big, “Who are you?!”

It looks like things are going to get a little bit TWILIGHT in next week’s episode, “Lost Girls.”

Say it. You're a vampire.
Say it. You're a vampire.

In case you’re wondering what I’m talking about:

Vampires love clearings and blue shirts. And hair product.
Vampires love forests and blue shirts. And hair product.

But I’m wondering if those stills were decoys or promotional pictures. (Or maybe he tells her about the flashbacks while standing in a clearing? Or maybe they are looking for some Lost Girls?) After last night’s episode, the CW website added tons of new pics from “Lost Girls,” and they are FLASHBACKS! With Nina Dobrev (who plays Elena) as Katherine.

Check out Mr. Mustachio over there.
Check out Mr. Mustachio over there.

We know she’s supposed to be worse than Elena, because she owned slaves. (But she was apparently a Union sympathizer, so… maybe they’re just servants.)

Also: Where is Mystic Falls? West Virginia? (Er… regular Virginia? Sides!) Looks like Damon was a Confederate. Brother against brother! (I can see Stefan as a Pacifist.) Here’s the written preview, and a pic…

Check out the Olde-Timey Salvatore brothers.
Look at the Olde-Timey Salvatore brothers.

Until next week! (I’m so excited and I just can’t hide it.)


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One thought on “What Are You??: VAMPIRE DIARIES Episode 5

  1. I hope Vicki is dead too, I can’t stand her. UGH UGH UGH if she is a vampire now… and the next episode is probably going to be hilarious due to the many hats of Damon.

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