Episode 212, “Beyond Here Lies Nothin'” Air Date 9/13/09
First of all, the finale really wasn’t as batshit crazy as I expected… in fact, I kind of knew what was coming around every turn. But… I still enjoyed it. I’m excited for next season! As much as a I kvetch about these long recaps, I have so much fun writing about “True Blood.” I was kind of sad to write this, because… beyond here lies nothin’. For several months, at least.
I took some notes, but (believe it or not) a lot of this is from memory. Bear with me if this isn’t to-the-letter perfect…
Okay… Sookie’s up in Gran’s bedroom, and her bed’s a giant nest, blah blah blah. Lafayette tells Sookie to take off her clothes. (I don’t think that Lafayette is going to rape Sookie, but I think they WANT us to think that. This is the THIRD time that Sookie’s had an almost-rape this season… awkward.)
Sookie takes off her clothes (but not her strapless white bra), and Lafayette reaches out and… supplies her with a white dress to wear (NO rape, whew). Conveniently enough, her undergarments are perfectly suited for this sheer white dress. HA.
Sookie is forced downstairs, where Arlene, Tara, that fingerless lady, and Lafeyette (HA) are similarly clad in white dresses and wreaths, serving as bridesmaids to Maryann. (Since when do bridesmaids wear white?!) Maryann is wearing Gran’s wedding dress. Oh no she DIDn’t! Maryann says that Sookie’s not going to need a wedding dress anyway, because she’s dating a dead man. (Or WILL she need it? FORESHADOWING!)
Maryann is a jerk, but because I’m SURE she’s dying tonight and because Sookie’s sassing her, I’m tolerating her. Impending death makes the heart grow fonder. Yuck, she makes all of the bridesmaids drink some blood and lick it onto the egg. Sookie wants to know who laid the egg (was it Eggs?!), and it turns out that it’s an ostrich egg. Whew.
Sookie is super grossed-out about drinking the blood, but she’s always drinking everybody’s blood (well, vampires’ blood at least). She should be used to this, by now.
The rest of the bridesmaids leave the room, and Maryann asks Sookie to give her another electric shock. Sookie tries, but can’t. You can’t just order up an electric shock whenever you want, Maryann! Exposition exposition about various Maryann-related stuff (Sookie’s there to lure Sam, Sam’s the vessel because she met him when he was a young virgin, and he was drawn to her statue).
“What ARE you?” Maryann asks. “I’m a waitress,” Sookie replies… which, nice call-back to her convo with Bill in Episode 101. Maryann reveals that Sookie definitely isn’t human, or all that Maryann-vibrating would have given her the saucer-eyes by now. Also, Maryann lives off human energy, and Sookie’s giving her NOTHING.
Also: If a heart is the food of the gods, why did Maryann feed it to Tara and Eggs? She wasn’t hungry?
I’m not sure exactly where this slotted in, but Eric has replaced Bill in the Yahtzee! game (Ludis/Borat is still there). It’s pretty funny to see Eric playing Yahtzee! Exposition exposition Queen Sophie-Anne asking Eric if Bill is really monogamous with Sookie. Sophie-Anne asks if Eric’s in love with Sookie too, and he pauses before saying, “I don’t love humans.” Oh, he SO loves Sookie! Sookie’s Cousin Hadley listens intently.
Sophie-Anne cautions Eric not to taste Sookie, because if he does he’ll definitely fall in love with her? (WHAT IS SOOKIE!?) (Maybe part-fairy, according to the books?)
We find out that Sophie-Anne knows that Bill knows that Eric is selling V. Her guards hear everything. And Sophie-Anne is Eric’s vampire blood supplier. TWIST!
Sophie-Anne tackles Eric to the floor and they have a hot (for Eric) fang-licking makeout. (Roomie is NOT HAPPY about this. In case you haven’t heard, Evan Rachel Wood and Alexander Skarsgard are dating.) (This show is like a couples-making factory.) It doesn’t get very far, because Sophie-Anne likes women. But she tells Eric to take care of Bill, because he knows too much about the V selling. UH OH.
Jason and Andy are all ready to save the town. If Sookie’s not human, maybe Jason isn’t either? Maybe he can resist the saucer-eyed mind-takeover? But no, as soon as he and Andy enter the fray, they get punched in the face (of course), and they get the saucer eyes. OH NO. Terry, Eggs, and a few other guys are groomsmen, wearing button-up white shirts and wreaths in their hair. This totally looks like a destination wedding. Hawaii, maybe.
Meanwhile, Sam and Bill are back at Merlotte’s, continuing their uneasy partnership. The odd couple! Sam has just finished putting Coby and Lisa to sleep (just for the night; not euthanasia) in his trailer. Bill’s irritated that Sam didn’t let him glamour the kids to sleep. Time is of the essence!
I have been giving Bill crap this season for being a wimp, but after re-watching Season 1, I realize that Bill is just an all-around nice guy. Okay, maybe he did commit some heinous Bonnie & Clyde-style crimes with Lorena, but at this point he’s definitely the good guy. But everybody treats him like a monster! Sob. (What came first, the monster or people treating him like a monster? Discuss.) (But actually Sam is about to trust him A LOT, so whatever.)
Oh, some of the townspeople have been crazy-eyed into knowing how to play the violin. (WHAT?) Because this wedding needs to be a typical westernized wedding, complete with the wedding march on violins, if the Greek god is going to show up. Right? (WHAT?)
Maryann puts her bloody ostrich egg up into the meat sculpture, and starts her chanty wedding ceremony. She says the names of different Greek gods, and the congregation of crazies repeats the names. Um, maybe this is because the High Holidays are coming up, but this really feels like Rosh Hashana for crazies.
Bill shows up with Sam, and trades Sam for Sookie. For some reason (which I guess reveals itself later), Bill and Sookie stay there to watch. Sam sits there with his chest exposed, waiting to get slaughtered. Sookie and I are both screaming, “Use your powers, Sam! Shift!”
Eggs stabs Sam in the chest. Oh nooo. Bill whispers, “Use YOUR powers.” I am confused. What is Sookie supposed to do? I think she’s confused too. But then she runs up to Sam and listens to his thoughts. Basically he’s saying, “Sookie… sorry.” I’d be thinking “OW OW OW OW OW OW OWWWW.”
Sookie grabs the egg out of the meat sculpture and smashes it. KA-POW! She gets her powers of electricity back and knocks over the Great Mass of Horn-Shaped Meat (and maybe cooks it?). Maryann decides to kill all of the townspeople to repay the god for the ruined meat, but Sookie’s like, Oh no you DON’T. These are my townspeople!
So… Maryann puts her hands into the dirt and turns into the Bull-Human again. “BULL HUMAN!” I yell, because it’s fun to say. Maryann chases Sookie down the road. Seriously? AGAIN?
Just as Maryann is about to shred Sookie with her Bull-Human claws (AGAIN) (Where is Bill?), she stops in her tracks. Why? Because… here comes “the god who comes.” It’s a bull. Get it? Very Greek. Very with-horns. In a very beautiful scene with noir lighting, Maryann approaches the bull and offers herself to him.
Right about now I work out that Bill must have healed Sam (he just got stabbed; his heart wasn’t removed yet), and that Sam must be the bull. But shhhh, we’re not supposed to know that yet.
So the bull stabs his horn right into Maryann’s chest. She’s like, oh yeah, that hurts so good. Then the bull turns back into naked-Sam, and instead of a horn in Maryann’s chest, it’s Sam’s hand. (Shouldn’t it be his head in her chest? Whatever, supernatural rules.) Sam pulls Maryann’s gross gray heart out of her chest, and somehow she still manages to say, “Was there no god?” before she shrivels up. What a deep and philosophical final thought.
Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead! (And Sookie was Dorothy, and Sam was Toto? Whatever.)
I was kind of hoping that Eric would fly in and play “the god who comes,” but I guess he’s too busy plotting out Bill’s demise (spoiler alert). And it makes more sense for Sam to kill Maryann, since she’s been after him all season. Congrats, Sam! You did it.
Sookie’s totally surprised that Sam is alive, and Bill comes stumbling out of the bushes, holding his wrist and looking paler than usual. Sam drank a LOT of his blood. Sookie asks Bill to go bury Maryann’s body. Can somebody PLEASE give Bill some blood to drink? He’s stumbling around and looking paler than usual. Save Bill!
Okay, given that Sam drank so much of Bill’s blood… are Sam and Bill going to be connected now, the way that Lafayette/Sookie are connected to Eric, and Sookie is connected to Bill? Blood brothers!
“I’m sorry if I worried you,” Bill says to Sookie as she cradles him in her arms. (He needs blood, people!) “I so badly wished that you could hear my thoughts.” Aww. (Sookie can hear all thoughts except for vampire thoughts.) (But I bet he’s glad she can’t hear his thoughts most of the time… couples! Bickering!)
All of the crazy-eyes go back to being normal-eyes, and can’t figure out what the HECK is going on. Arlene is freaking out because her kids aren’t answering the phone. It’s because they’re sleeping in Sam’s trailer. Duh. Sheriff Dearborne says that he’ll give Andy his badge back tomorrow morning, because at least Andy’s wearing pants right now. (Ha.)
Sam sits on Sookie’s porch, watching a deer. Oh, he’s sad that Daphne’s gone. Now he’s all alone and loveless, and he’s the only shifter he knows. Bill talks to Sam for a few minutes (thanks for trusting me, blah blah), and when Sam turns back… the deer is gone.
Eggs is freaking out because there’s blood on his hands. He’s annoying me, now. (Spoiler alert: He’ll be dead soon.) Almost-rapist #2, Mike Spencer, is still knocked out cold on Sookie’s kitchen floor. (When I went back and watched Season 1, I was surprised to see that he had a fairly sizable role last season, seeing as how he is the coroner and girls were dying left and right.)
Sookie goes upstairs to Bill and asks him how long until dawn. He consults his watch. “Forty-one minutes.” (Does Bill wake up every morning and Google the sunrise/sunset tables? I used to do that when I made call sheets.) Sookie asks Bill to hold her for the next forty minutes, and he obliges. Fade to black. (I hope somebody gave him some blood to drink. Seriously!)
The next day, life is more or less back to normal at Merlotte’s. Charlaine Harris (writer of the “Southern Vampire Mysteries” books, which this show is based on) has a one-line cameo as a bar patron. Nice job! Arlene sits at a booth hugging Coby and Lisa. They tell her that Sam introduced them to a flying vampire, and she doesn’t freak out!
Terry comes up to the table and gives the kids some toy guns (eek). He says that he’ll take care of Mama at work, if they take care of her at home. (He seems less PTSD than usual. Did the crazy-eyes incident help to cure him?) As Sam orders Terry and Arlene back to work, the kids ask if Arlene saw Rene when she was away. She says no, and once she’s gone Coby and Lisa agree that Rene must be dead. (I love those kids!) (“Are they the only kids in town?” Roomie asks.)
Hoyt’s mom has recovered from the crazy-eyes, and he figures out that everything she said was true. Hoyt is REALLY pissed because Maxine used the burglar who killed his daddy (who didn’t exist) as an excuse to keep Hoyt from ever leaving home.
The fingerless lady is sitting at a table at Merlotte’s, bragging to a bunch of old men about how her finger was re-attached. Andy and Jason sit at a nearby table, and Andy yells that the truth is that she found her finger in a meat sculpture, and that he saw her taking it from behind with Mike Spencer. (Awk, Andy.) Finger-lady (Joan Boathouse?) jokes that whatever Andy’s drinking, she wants some of it. He’s drinking Diet Coke with lime. He’s sober now!
Even though Jason and Andy ended up with the crazy-eyes, Jason decides that he and Andy must be the heroes who saved the town. Oh Jason, you will never stop being stupid. “It’s like, if a tree falls in the woods, it’s still a tree, ain’t it?” Jason says. Because if they intended to be heroes, they must be heroes. He’s totally the George W. Bush of Bon Temps. Mission accomplished!
Some fat ladies who only drink Mountain Dew because there could be poison in the water sit in the bar and say stupid stuff about how Maryann was really a Martian. No no no– Martians are Season 5! (Just kidding?)
Sookie’s being a waitress again… I think for the first time all season. Lafayette has already told her that he doesn’t want to know a THING about what happened while he was crazy-eyed. It seems like Sam, Sookie, and the rest of the non-crazy eyes are trying to make it seem like there was some freaky vodka on the market that made everyone nuts? Whatever. A woman comes in with a delivery for Sookie from an “admirer,” and she takes it outside to open it up.
Aw, it’s a purple dress from Bill. He wants to take Sookie out on a nice date! Sookie’s swooning over his card when a hand clasps her on the shoulder. It’s Eggs– he needs to know why there was blood on his hands. Sookie uses her mild-melding skills to help Eggs recall that he was Maryann’s knife-wielder. UH OH.
Eggs runs away in a kind of funny, girly way… it looks like he’s clutching his stomach? This reminds me of the scene in “Austin Powers 3” (I think) where Scotty runs like a girl. And/or the scene in the bomb episode where Lorena ran away from Bill. Running away from camera is awkward! Ha. So many emotions! Must run away!
Night. Bill is all dressed up in a suit, and Jessica is in a red dress. She’s off to apologize to Hoyt (not really), and Bill says that in his day the man came courting… but times change. Sigh. Speaking of: Bill’s hair has been different than normal this episode, and it’s bugging me. Instead of that deep side-part, his bangs are totally in his face.
Bill is taking Sookie out to a French restaurant… he hasn’t been to one in over seventy years. “Humans seem to love them,” he says to Jessica. “They go there to celebrate.” Bill tells Jessica to be back by 4am (ha), and he opens the front door for her. Aw, sweet. Gentleman Bill!
Sam shows up at the front door of a Mrs. Merlotte. Oh, it’s his mom. No, it’s his adoptive mom. There aren’t any pictures of Sam on her mantle, because how would she explain him to the people who thought she never had children? “We never thought we’d see you again,” Mrs. Merlotte says. “Never say never when there’s the Internet,” Sam replies. Good one!
Mrs. Merlotte doesn’t want to tell Sam who his real parents are. She swore to them that she’s never tell him, and besides, “They’re bad people.” “I guess you know a thing or two about that,” Sam zings, to the lady who abandoned him when she found out that he was a shifter.
They go upstairs to Mr. Merlotte, who is all hooked up to machines and dying. He gives Sam a note with the names of Sam’s birth parents. At the bottom it says, “I’m sorry.” Aww.
Hoyt shows up at Bill’s house with flowers for Jessica. He’s all dressed up. Awww. But Jessica went to Hoyt’s house? Or did she…
Seedy truck stop: Jessica is making out with a truck-driver, in the front seat of his rig. She tells him that she’s a virgin, and he’s really enthused… until she attacks his neck. This is like the vampire version of “To Catch a Predator.”
Hoyt sets the flowers down on the front porch and walks away… I think that he and Jessica will reunite next season. She’s a new vampire… she needs to get her kicks before she can commit to a nice guy like Hoyt.
Bill and Sookie arrive at the fancy French restaurant. Bill bought it out. Aww. He says that he doesn’t want anybody else to see her tonight. On first glance I think he’s being a little bit Edward-from-“Twilight” on the possessive scale. Upon further reflection, though… Bill and Sookie face a lot of discrimination as a couple, and I think he wants to be able to enjoy her company without feeling the disapproving glares of other patrons.
It’s also important that they’re alone, because… no witnesses (you’ll see). Although Bill wouldn’t know that.
Sookie asks what Bill is supposed to do at a restaurant (other than look at her) if he can’t eat. Bill wants to dance! Suddenly there’s country music playing. Ahaha. In a refined French restaurant (that actually looks like a house). Sookie and Bill dance, and Roomie sighs that it’s even cuter knowing that they’re a couple in real life (but she’s mad at Skarsgard and ER Wood… haha).
We see the dancing from several angles, including one angle from some sort of second-floor balcony. On second viewing, I believe this is foreshadowing… they’re being watched.
The question on our minds: Is Bill going to propose?
But first, some dark stuff. Andy is headed out to his car. As you may recall, Season 1 ended with Andy finding a dead body in his car, so I’m all geared up for a dead body. But no… here comes Eggs, holding Maryann’s bloody sacrificial knife. He confesses to the killings of Miss Jeanette, Daphne, and almost-Sam. Andy tries to shoo Eggs away… he knows that Eggs was under Maryann’s spell. But Eggs wants to be locked away. He wrestles Andy to the ground and threatens him with the knife. Lock me up!
BAM! Jason shoots Eggs in the back of the head. He thinks that Eggs was trying to kill Andy. UH OH. Andy grabs the murder weapon and wipes it off, and tells Jason to get out of there. Um, Eggs is shot in the back of the head, so it’s going to be hard for Andy to argue self-defense. Everyone runs out of the bar, and Tara FREAKS her shit OUT when she sees that Eggs is dead. But it’s probably for the best, because he was capital-T Troubled.
Back at the fancy dinner, Bill has a gift for Sookie. A ring?! No, plane tickets to Burlington, Vermont. Bill loves maple syrup? No… that’s where it’s legal for vampires and humans to get married. Bill pulls out part two of his gift. OMG! A ring! Roomie and I are eating this up. But…
Season 1 took place over a month, maybe, plus a “three weeks later” tag in the finale. Season 2 took place over… maybe two weeks. So… Bill and Sookie have known each other for three months, tops. What’s the rush, Bill? “He’s been around long enough to know love when he sees it,” Roomie intones in a hilarious Southern accent. (To paraphrase Beyonce: He likes it, so he wants to put a ring on it.)
(This is kind of life-imitating-art, because Stephen Moyer and Anna Paquin are engaged now. I wonder which came first– Bill’s proposal or Stephen’s?)
So… Bill is asking Sookie to marry him. “Assuming that last night didn’t scare you off weddings for good.” HA. Sookie just sits there, looking confused. Bill begs her to say something. Aw, if he wasn’t already dead, he’d be dying right now! Sookie says that in her dreams she always says yes to a proposal, but… her life is inside out right now. She doesn’t even know if she’s human!
“What?” Bill asks, hilariously. I guess Sookie didn’t download him about her talk with Maryann last night. Sookie only knows one other person like her, and it’s Barry! (Ooh, is Barry going to be back?) PLUS, Sookie adds, she’s going to grow old, and Bill isn’t! She’s freaking out.
“I don’t care about any of that,” Bill says. “I want you just as you are.” “I don’t even know what I am!” Sookie freaks. She excuses herself to the bathroom. Oh, she’s a sobby mess. Back at the table, Bill sits with his hands clasped. He is really sad! Aww.
Sookie looks at herself in the mirror for a while, then puts the ring on. Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! (Okay, that’s what she said to Hugo, if you’ve been following along.)
BUT while Sookie’s deliberating, somebody sneaks up on Bill and VAMPIRE-NAPS him! Gloved hands gag him with a silver chain and pull him out of the frame. Is it Eric or Lorena? It’s definitely the work of vampires because, A) he would have heard a human sneaking up on him, B) the hands holding the silver were wearing protective gloves, and C) Eric said he’d take care of Bill. The worst part is that poor Bill got kidnapped without knowing whether Sookie was going to say yes or no.
Sookie runs out of the restroom, full of the happiness of YES, and finds that Bill’s chair is knocked over and the restaurant door is hanging open. She already screamed at the end of the last episode, so instead she just says, “Bill?”
And then “Beyond Here Lies Nothin'” plays.
It totally makes sense that Bill is kidnapped, because I’m guessing that Season 3 is going to be based on Book Three of the Southern Vampire Mysteries series. (Can they please leave out the part where Bill rapes Sookie in the trunk of a car? Thanks.)
Ugh, now we have to wait for Season 3. It had better be awesome! Looks like people are going to be finding themselves… and hopefully some of them will also be finding Bill, since he’s ‘napped and all.
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