More to Hump: MORE TO LOVE Top 3 Episode

Lukes ready to take the plunge.
Luke's ready to take the plunge.

“More to Love” Episode 7, Air Date 9/8/09

I feel like I need to preface this recap a little bit. First of all– when we tried to watch this on the DVR, the episode was out of sync, and every other word was cutting out. So we ended up watching it on the FOX website, huddled around my laptop. VERY appropriately, a giant ad for “Lie to Me” kept popping up. Lie to them, Luke!

Second (and more importantly), we were both very tired. Roomie/Rachel was tired to the point that I actually thought she was drunk. So… some of her comments were pretty amazing. And we talked so much that I think we probably missed some of the more hilarious dialogue. But we had a good time. Wish you were here!

And if you’re looking for an illustrated, clip-filled recap to accompany my banter, be sure to check out Jezebel. It’s one of my favorite sites for recaps, and for… everything else. More (Blogs) to Love!

Okay, so they’re in Hawaii this week, doing their Top 3 dates. This is our seventh week watching the show, but in real-time the girls had only been competing for about three weeks. So a lot of the talk about love and marriage was a little bit barfalicious.

BUT I thought about it, and in defense of these girls… the first month of knowing someone really is a sort of honeymoon/fantasy time, right?

Think about it: In the beginning of the relationship, it’s a blank canvas with endless possibilities. It’s easy to say, oh, I can see myself loving this person. I can see this all working out. I can see my kids having his last name. Check back in a month later, once you know an incriminating amount of information about each other.

By month two, you know a little bit more. You know that he smacks his lips when he eats (or smacks his kids around), or that he always tells the same stupid jokes… or has no sense of humor. Or doesn’t listen when you speak. Or… whatever, you just know more. Superficial stuff or not… you just have a better picture of who he is. And then… maybe you don’t want to marry him, after all.

And then you get the feeling that… maybe it was a bad idea to mack on him on national TV.

Right, everybody? You know what I’m talking about. So on some level I can understand how these girls can be emoting so much about Luke. They’re in the crucible of being on a competitive TV show. And on another level… I want to SHAKE them.

Okay, it’s time for Hawaii. Luke stands on the beach, wearing his first too-small shirt of the night. “His shirt is two sizes too small,” Rachel notes. Maybe they’re hoping that it will suck everything in?

Malissa hilariously interviews that Luke is “respectful,” whilst we see footage of him doing all sorts of awful booty-dancing amongst the Top 3 and some poor hula dancers. The Polynesian drums are bumpin’ bumpin’.

I swear that Luke is drunk. As he tells the girls that this is their last group date, it sounds like he’s slurring his words. He interviews that he’s going to get to know them “deeper.” Ew. Cue Fantasy Dates.

Date 1: Malissa

The first all-day date is with Malissa. Luke interviews that he wants to figure out if Malissa loves him, or whether she’s just “in it to win it.” Haha, I was all over this theory last week! Luke and Malissa go to some sort of Sea World-esque place and watch dolphins perform. (Um, isn’t Hawaii itself like one big Sea World? I’m confused.) Then Malissa and Luke swim with the dolphins, which Roomie has always wanted to do. Between the tandem bike and the dolphin swimming– future boyfriends of Rachel, take note.

Luke has a picnic with Malissa. As Luke always says re: Malissa, “the physical attraction is there,” but he wants to try to be vulnerable with Malissa, and vice versa. It’s wife-picking time and all. He tries to talk about how their relationship will be in real life, once the show is over. I have to commend him on that. At least someone is acknowledging that this is all smoke and mirrors.

“He is sweating balls,” Rachel notices. (I just feel like calling her Rachel today.)

They cut off their conversation in order to get out of the sun and “save energy for tonight.” Bow chicka wow wow! Luke interviews that their evening date with “catapult our relationship, or just be it [aka over].”

At dinner, Luke tries to have some sort of heart-to-heart with Malissa. He asks her what her usual “type” is when she dates, and if he’s the biggest guy she’s ever dated. Malissa gets really defensive. “You’re making yourself seem insecure,” Malissa says, sounding like she is about two seconds from getting super irritated. Re: Luke’s size, Malissa says, “It suits you. It’s you.”

“You’re a fat guy!” Rachel yells, before dissolving into laughter.

Malissa tells Luke that when she thinks about him, she thinks, “He’s mine.” Uh oh, this show just got a little more “True Blood.” “Sookie is mine!”

This conversation is really awkward because Malissa is obviously not wanting to discuss this “deeper” stuff. Red flag! Red FLAG! Malissa (I think) says something about plunging and falling? (My notes are vague.)

“Do they give them this shit to say?” Roomie-Rachel asks. “They’ve been talking for ten minutes but they’re not saying anything!” True story of the night.

They retire to the Fantasy Suite (or whatever it’s called on this show… the Suite of More Lovin’). “I hope Luke chooses me,” Malissa says, as we watch them make out.

“Cuz you boned him!” Rachel yells. And then, as an afterthought. “God, her right boob’s like as big as his face!”

Date 2: Tali

They’re going snorkeling. Um, they already did so much beach-related, bathing-suit related stuff back in California that I feel like Hawaii’s not seeming as exciting as it ought to. (Hawaii is awesome.) Once again, Luke is dressed to impress. “He’s in a tiny, tiny shirt,” Rachel observes.

So it turns out that Tali was in the Israeli Navy, but she’s afraid of water? She spent the whole time working in… what sounds like “a bunker.” “Quit mumbling, you!” Rachel yells at Tali. But Rachel feels for Tali’s plight, because Rachel “fears the sea.” “Does she fear the sea, too?” Rachel muses. “I get it!”

Luke talks about how he feels bad because he put work into planning this date that he hoped Tali would love. Um, okay. First of all, I don’t believe that Luke planned this date. Second of all, he doesn’t know Tali that well if he picked this activity for her… but duh, we knew that. Third… the producers probably sent her on this date because they know that she fears the sea, because… drama.

But in the end, Luke coaxes Tali into the water with him. (It would be so easy to make a joke about a gentle whale here.) Tali appreciates Luke’s sensitivity. And it means a lot to Luke that Tali overcame her fears for him. They both equate this to a relationship. Aww?

“Did she play it up so that Luke would feel good?” Rachel asks, noting that Luke seems to like to play the role of the protector. Good question.

This is probably going to reveal my hideous psyche, but I think that in a non-TV situation, if a girl were to put up a big stink about not wanting to do a fun activity on a date, it would just piss the guy off. I suspect that Luke was particularly understanding because he was on camera. And I kind of think that if I were Tali, I would have kept my mouth shut and jumped into the water. I wouldn’t want to seem like a stick in the mud. I mean, eliminations are forthcoming.

But whatever. I don’t know. I’m not a dating and relationships expert. Obviously they bonded, so that’s good. Maybe I’m the one who should be learning a lesson, here. Luke teaches us all so much!

Tali alludes to one more difficult hurdle to overcome, and I can’t understand whether she’s talking about having sex with Luke, or the next elimination. Then she says, “I can’t wait for to-ni-ight.” So… either way, sex.

Luke and Tali eat some fancy dinner, and Tali wears a sort of cool ruffly top, but Rachel is not happy that the top is paired with pants. Ha. Tali interviews that she’s not happy about the two other girls… DUH. “I’m falling for you,” Tali tells Luke.

I don’t know what it is… the camera angle, the outfit? Luke looks really yuck in this scene, like a sweaty hamster-man.

“He’s really gross and they’re gonna do it!” Rachel crows. “More to Hump!”

Luke invites Tali up to his room, and she keeps saying, “For reals?” Then: “I didn’t bring my jammies!” Oh Tali: Where you’re going, you don’t need jammies.

In the interview, Tali laughs an incredulous laugh and says, “Oh, I’m so falling in love with this dude.” The fact that Tali finds herself ridiculous as she admits her love for Luke really endears me to her. Haha. Poor Tali. Back in Luke’s room, yet another champagne toast. The millionth one in seven weeks. Instead of toasting to “More to Love,” Tali toasts to “One Love.”

Tali says that Luke makes her feel comfortable in her skin, but Luke makes everyone feel comfortable. It’s the most overused word in the world of “More to Love.”

Luke asks Tali if she wants to “stay tonight, so we can be together more?” That’s code for SEX, I think. I wonder how Tali’s Orthodox Jewish family feels as we watch her and Luke make out in the bathtub (in her bathing suit). (Tali looks great in a bathing suit.) Let’s hope they never see this!

Date 3: Mandy

Luke interviews that Mandy is at the top of his list, but he worries because she’s the most guarded. They go on ATV rides, which feels like the least cool date, considering that they are in Hawaii. They get full of dust. I wouldn’t be able to breathe. Yuck.

According to Luke’s interviews, he seems to think that Mandy is the most ready to get married, and she has the most qualities he’s looking for? (But also, she’s crazy. Let’s not forget that.)

Rachel and I decide that Mandy generally wears the ugliest outfits. So far this episode, she’s definitely the winner of the Ugliest Outfits Contest. We also decide that the girls must be staying in separate hotel rooms, or the catfights would be epic. (But that would be great TV. What gives?)

The night date is on a boat… oh, classy times, there is a mattress on the roof of the boat. They lounge upon it. “Are they gonna sleep together on a BOAT?!” Rachel asks.

Luke and Mandy agree that they could see themselves married to each other. They make out. “I’m not scared of love, I’m scared of rejection,” Mandy interviews.

Okay, I need to say this now: Luke is talking like Mandy is going to win, and he’s going to eliminate her in about five minutes. WEIRD. The “Lie to Me” ad is blazing in the bottom right corner of the screen.

Luke and Mandy declare their love for each other. This is going to be so awkward tomorrow! “Luke is becoming my lover,” Mandy interviews. Lover?! What is this, one of those old Will Ferrell/Rachel Dratch SNL sketches? Mandy says that she’s dead sure she’ll marry Luke. UH OH.

“Is this an air mattress on a boat?” Rachel asks, still dwelling on THAT awkwardness. “Is that what’s happening?”

Elimination day. All of the girls show up in dresses we haven’t seen. Floral dresses. “Are their dress collections being supplemented by the show?” I muse. “They’ve worn more clothes in the course of this show than I have in my closet.” Rachel doesn’t know, but she has an additional hypothesis: “I think they were forced to wear florals for Hawaii,” she says, re: their ugly dresses.

We find out that the two remaining girls will go home with Luke to meet his family. UGH, not long enough in Hawaii! On “The Bachelor,” they get a proposal in paradise. This is all backwards.

Okay, Tali’s in first. The girls are standing at least thirty feet away from Luke on this huge lawn. Why so far away, seriously? And… Malissa’s in, despite all of her attitude whenever Luke tried to have a meaningful conversation. And despite Luke totally acting like Mandy was his soul mate.

Also, how awkward is it that Mandy is eliminated, and now all four of them are going back to California? What if they all have to sit together on the plane? AWK AWK AWK.

Luke says that eliminating Mandy broke his heart, and tells her, “I was supposed to meet you.” Roomie is not pleased: “Shut up, Luke.”

Is Mandy going to pop up again next week? That seems to be a very popular thing to do on reality dating show finales, these days.

Mandy gets in a limo and cries herself all the way to the airport. She lists all the amazing qualities about Luke. Will she ever find anyone as great ever again?

“Really?” Rachel says. “I don’t think he’s that great. He just wants to make out and has corny jokes.”

Mandy interviews that she feels lost, now. Aww. Also: Lost? Hawaii? Get it? “Lost.”

Next week: Luke’s dad meets the girls, and says something to Tali about religious differences, and tells Luke that the decision is easy. I think he’s Team Malissa. Luke is reunited with his dog!

Luke’s mom visits the Manse, looking very much like a blonde Diane Keaton. She seems to be Team Tali. Oh no!

Tali whispers something to Luke that I can’t understand, and Rachel whispers it back to me: “[I’m falling in love with you]… with every ounce of who I am.”

Rachel thinks that Luke will pick Malissa because it’s the easier choice, but that he loves Tali. I’m not sure what he’ll do, at this point.

At any rate, somebody is getting proposed to, in some sort of crazy cubular contraption on the lawn.

“What did I do with myself before this show was in my life?” Rachel exclaims as we finish watching. “I love it… [her voice drops to a whisper] with every ounce of who I am!” Good Tali imitation, Rach!

Okay, that was that. (And when I tagged this post, I accidentally typed “Luke Lonely.” Is that his fate?)

Until next week…


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3 thoughts on “More to Hump: MORE TO LOVE Top 3 Episode

  1. Thoughts:

    -In 8th grade my family went on a cruise and in the Bahamas we totally did the Swim with the Dolphin thing. It was awesome. As we were there, though, a Nudist Cruise (and I’m talking saggy old people, here) pulled up and played beach volleyball maybe 50 yards away. Not as awesome.

    -Face-sized boobs: Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with any boobs, though.

    -How can someone fear the sea? I think that’s a funny term, regardless. Also, the fact that the only things worth commenting on are things said by Roomie does not speak well for the show. Then again, I didn’t watch.

    -re your psyche: Kinda depends on the activity. If the guy plans skydiving and you fuckin do not want to jump from a plane, kinda hard to get upset about that. If you plan something more innocuous like… snorkeling… well, the dude might just think it’s weird. Although I’ll say it depends on how much you like the girl. One girl I dated hated mini golf. I mean, how can you hate mini golf? Maybe you don’t love it. But hate it? But I liked her enough that I thought, “I really don’t care if I never got to play mini-golf again.” If I was just kinda “eh” about her… it would have been annoying.

    -Was Tali’s bathing suit a one piece or a bikini?

    -I like the scene with Mandy and Luke on an air mattress on the boat because… welcome to my upcoming weekend!

  2. I’m afraid of creatures in the sea and deep water when I can’t see what’s underneath me. But I think Tali’s problem was that she wasn’t a good swimmer as exhibited by her giant life jacket around her neck. But I do think she played it up because Luke digs that whole “protector” deal.

    I was distracted by how big Malissa’s boob was, but there’s nothing wrong with it. I think I’m just fascinated how someone can have those giant things hanging on their chest all day. It looks like it would hurt. It’s like another world I know nothing about, haha.

    Elysse I will be so sad when this show is over. I don’t know why I find it so entertaining. And apparently watching it while I’m on 4 hours of sleep a day is even better as I giggle deliriously throughout the entire show.

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