Chickens and Eggs: TRUE BLOOD Recap, Episode 211

Be still, my beating human heart.
Be still, my beating human heart.

Episode 211: “Frenzy” Air Date: 8/30/09

Have I mentioned that every episode title is also the name of the song that plays in the closing credits? Clever clever, Mr. Ball.

Thanks to a last minute trip to the grocery store, I sat down to watch this recap with a tall glass of Limeade. I’d never tried it before, but I figured it was all the best parts of a mojito. And I was right. If you like lemonade, check out Limeade.

In addition, due to the high high heat of our living room, Roomie and I sat about two feet away from the TV, so that we’d be able to hear the dialogue and keep the AC running.

Previously on: The only important reminder is that Sookie’s cousin Hadley went to rehab on Gran’s dime, but… ended up running away from rehab. Great. (I’ll give you one guess why we’re getting this info.)

Sometimes this show is acting serious but being funny, and sometimes this show is trying to be serious and is funny anyway. Either way, I am having a good time!

Before we go into this week’s episode, I want to let you know that there’s a major chicken/egg theme going on here. See if you can spot all of the references. (After crazy Malvin’s egg costume on “Project Runway” this week, I’m kind of WTFing over here.)

Now on: Remember how Bill entered the Vampire Queen’s house, and had an UH OH look on his face, and saw a bloody leg? Well, the Vamp Queen (aka Sophie-Anne… thanks, IMDB) is going down on a chick (they don’t say it’s Hadley, but I think it’s Hadley), vampire-style. In other words, she’s drinking from her femoral arteries. Hot. Of course, Bill is not interested in joining in.

In his old-fashioned way, Bill is embarrassed. “Is this a bad time?” “There is no such thing as bad, and there is no such thing as time,” Sophie-Anne says. But I think there is such thing as bad acting. The time thing… we can discuss later. (Much later. Not now. I don’t have time.) (Ha.)

Cue opening credits.

Jessica is happily (er, angrily) sucking Maxine’s blood. (Maxine is Hoyt’s mom, for the uninitiated.) Hoyt tears Jessica away and rescues his mother, who was actually enjoying herself.

Hoyt: Have you lost your mind?

Jessica: Didn’t you hear all those nasty things she said about you? [“Penguin dick.”] And me! [“Dead whore.”]

Hoyt: She’s my mama. She gets to! The hell are you from?

Ha. Poor Hoyt. He needs himself some therapy. Jessica tries to apologize, but Hoyt points at her accusingly and says, “I should have listened to Vampire Bill when he warned me about you.” (Can you drop the “Vampire” now, Hoyt? It feels a little bit racist.)

Maxine smiles at Jessica and waggles her fingers. She was into it. “You see what you did to her?” Hoyt yells at Jessica as he drags Maxine out. (UGH, why are women always blamed for these sorts of things?) Jessica slams the front door shut and SCREAMS and cries. Hell hath no fury like a vampire woman scorned. (Is Hoyt going to die for this? I’m guessing no, but still… bad times are ahead for him.)

Did I mention that she’s still wearing that beautiful teal dress that matches her eyes? You should NOT have broken up with her, Hoyt!

Back to the lovely Manse of the Queen. I would love to visit this place, if it exists. (Any leads? If it’s not a set, it’s probably in LA.) Bill sits across the pool from Hadley (still hasn’t been introduced as such.) Sophie-Anne enters, having cleaned herself up. She calls Bill (only, she calls him “William”) a “snob” for turning down Hadley’s blood. “I hate snobs,” S-A says. “Tiny, tiny souls, or penises, or both.” (What about female snobs?)

S-A kicks Hadley out. Considering the bloodshed quotient, it’s funny that Hadley is lying on a cream-colored divan, and wearing white and cream. S-A tells Bill that she has all sorts of delightful humans he could feed on, including, “A Latvian boy, has to be tasted to be believed. Not polluted like most humans. Tastes exactly the way they used to taste just after I was turned. Before the industrial revolution fucked everything to hell.”

Okay, thoughts. A) Evan Rachel Wood is acting this is such a campy, hammy way… was that the direction? Or is she just a bad actress? B) Sophie-Anne was turned sometime before the Industrial Revolution? That makes her… not nearly as old as Eric. Shouldn’t Eric be King, rather than Sheriff? What’s the deal with the hierarchy? We know that Godric chose to be Sheriff, but could have been King… but what’s Eric’s deal?

Bill politely refuses the Latvian and cuts to the chase: He needs to know how to kill a maenad (aka Maryann).

Sophie-Anne: Orgies? Sacrifice?

Bill: Yes.

Sophie-Anne: Cannibalism?

Bill: We suspect.

Sophie-Anne: (gasps) Fun!

This is kind of the perfect role for Marilyn Manson’s ex. She probably read her sides and thought, “Oh, just like the conversations I used to overhear at Marilyn’s place.”

Sophie-Ann gives Bill the bad news: He can’t kill Maryann. “She’s convinced herself she’s immortal, and so she is.”

Whuh?

But there’s more. “William, surely you know that everything that exists imagined itself into existence.” Right. Sure. Now it all makes sense. “I’m not entirely familiar with that theory, no,” Bill says. Sophie-Anne basically says that back in Ancient Greece, Maryann was probably married to a pederast jerk, and therefore ran off into the woods and joined the crazy Bacchus religion.

Bill refers to the human tendency toward Puritanism, which gives me a laugh because Bill is… probably about as Puritan as vampires come. Sophie-Anne says that Maryann believes that all of the crazy stuff she’s doing brings her one step closer to the divine.

Bill: Isn’t that delusional?

Sophie-Anne: Never underestimate the power of blind faith. It can manifest in ways that bend the laws of physics or break them entirely.

And we thought the Fellowship of the Sun was bad.

Bill mentions the whole Maryann’s-blood-made-me-retch thing, and we get another interesting tidbit: Vampires can only drink human blood. (Don’t tell the “Twilight” vamps. They are totally drinking animals.) “But she started out as human,” Bill protests. “Hello, evolution?” S-A reminds him. “We started out that way, too.”

S-A looks at her watch. “Less than two hours ’til dawn. Shall we have sex?” Bill squirms uncomfortably. “Kidding,” S-A says. “I haven’t enjoyed sex with men since the Eisenhower administration.” Kind of appropriate, since her proclivities rhyme with “I Like Ike!”

Bill tries to leave, but S-A insists that Bill spend the day with her in her “Day Room,” which is really gorgeous. It has giant chandeliers, and glass windows that appear to look out onto the beach (they’re just like department store windows, looking out onto a fake beach-scape). S-A reasons that if Sookie were in trouble, Bill would know.

Sookie, Lafayette, and Tara’s mom are still holding Tara hostage. She’s freaking out about how she needs to go save Eggs because he’s her true love blah blah blah, even though Eggs has been by Maryann’s side since we met him, and for all we know he’s evil. When Lafayette points out that Eggs beat Tara (haha, Eggs beating… Eggbeaters), Tara protests that it was Maryann’s influence. Well, couldn’t Maryann have been influencing Eggs to love her, too?

Think, Tara! You are the worst.

Lafayette gets out his shotgun to protect the apartment against Maryann’s followers, and locks Tara up with a pair of fuzzy purple handcuffs. Only, he locks Tara to a table that isn’t bolted down. Everybody is stupid!

Tara is almost being worse that she was at last week’s exorcism. She says that Lafayette is just jealous “because I found love, and you never will– you fucking freak!” She turns on Sookie, too: “You had to settle for a dead man!” I think Sookie speaks for all of us when she says, “Uck, that’s supposed to get me on your side?”

Sookie and Lafayette go on the porch (each time they open the door, there’s this faintly magical noise… ha), leaving Tara alone with her mother. Bad Idea Number One!

Jason, Andy, and Sam clean up the Merlotte’s bar. We know that Sam has told his compatriots that he’s a shapeshifter, because Jason is asking Sam all sorts of questions about it. Andy looks annoyed, and I maintain that something is UP with Andy. Sam tells Andy and Jason that their best bet is to leave town.

Jason: Well, shouldn’t we think about getting the law involved.

Andy: I AM involved!

Poor Andy doesn’t get any respect.

Jason wants to become his own law, because he” read a book about this, and this is Armageddon.” Wow, Jason read a book? Can we have a moment of silence? (Also, between Jason’s book and Bill’s “Gods and Monsters of Ancient Greece” book, this is totally a do-it-yourself monster-killing zone.)

“This is the oral history of the zombie war,” Jason says. “We need weapons. Lots of ’em.” When Sam protests that guns are not the answer and that “these are our friends; this is our town,” Jason counters: “Sometimes you need to destroy something to save it. That’s in the Bible. Or the Constitution.” Wow, Jason. Maybe reading just isn’t for you.

Sam sees Arlene’s (adorable) children peering through the window of Merlotte’s, but when they see him they retreat into the woods. He chases them down (it’s kind of suspenseful because at first it’s not clear who they are) and finds out that they are hiding from their mama, and haven’t eaten “since the day before yesterday.” Awwww. Sad, starving children.

Jason and Andy head to the Sheriff’s Office to arm themselves. Sam warns Jason, “You’re going to get yourself killed, and probably a lot of other people as well. Just think this through.” “The time for thinking is over,” Jason says. Ha. “Uh-huh. It’s time for action.”

Andy thinks that Sam might be right, but Jason scoffs. “Has he been to leadership conference? Has he had paramilitary training?” (Having seen both of the above, I think we can all join together and say, “HA HA HA.” Jason has an advanced degree in Accepting a Handie Whilst Submerged.)

Sam calls Jason a “damn fool,” and Jason proves it by walking into a tree. Sam leads the kids into the bar (ha), and Jason yells at his back, “By the way, you’re welcome for me saving your life!” Jason calls Sam an asshole and Andy says, “Welcome to my world, Jason.” They squeal away in Jason’s truck.

I’ve been standing up for Andy lately, but this reminds me that he was a terrible detective, season one.

Lafayette stands guard on his porch, while Sookie sits in a chair. She gets a text from Bill! Yippee! “From five hours ago!” Sookie complains. “Dammit. I’m getting a new phone as soon as Eric pays me.” Lafayette is surprised to hear that Sookie’s also working for Eric. Bill’s text says that he’s not coming home until “tomorrow,” which I guess is “tonight,” in vampire speak? “Then I guess we better not plan on him saving us,” Lafayette snarks.

Inside, Tara is trying to convince her mama to let her go. Tara claims that if Eggs dies, she’ll lose her one shot at true love. “Girl, you don’t want true love,” Tara’s mother replies. “True love will rip you open. It’ll tear you up.” Haha, what? (Also, “true love” sounds a lot like “True Blood.) Tara swears that if her mama lets her go, she’ll forgive her for everything. “You know that is a lot. And it’s a one time only offer.” (You may recall that Tara’s mother was a raging alcoholic.)

Tara says a whole bunch of crazy bullshit about how God is really the Devil. She says, “That’s Satan in your motherfucking Sunday hat,” which made a lot more sense when Lafayette said it re: Eggs. Tara uses her Guilt, Manipulation and Religious Mumbo-Jumbo 101 skills and begs her mother to do something selfless. Blah blah blah, Tara. Mama gets on her knees and starts to pray.

Outside, Lafayette asks what it was like inside Tara’s head while Tara was possessed.

Sookie: Like there was no limit. Like anything could happen and… it probably will. And you could feel your insides expanding, but there’s also this emptying out of everything right at the very center of your being. And you don’t want that to ever stop. Ever.

Say WHAT? It kind of makes sense in writing, but hearing it out loud, this sounds like Crazy Talk.

But Lafayette says, “Damn, that sounds nice.” How long until he has the crazy eyes? (In fact, we see a shot of him with lots of eye-white showing, and then another with almost none. It’s basically saucer-eye foreshadowing, in my book.)

Sam serves up sandwiches and french fries to Arlene’s kids (Coby and Lisa– thanks again, IMDB!). (The fries look amazing.) The kids want answers about whats wrong with Arlene. Sam says she’s sick, but the kids counter that she “seems crazy.” “She’s always kissing Terry, and doing other gross stuff,” Lisa says. “And her eyes get weird.” Oh dear Lord, tell me she isn’t having sex in front of her kids.

The kids conclude that a vampire would know what to do (Kids: Smarter than Everybody Else in this Town). Lisa asks where Vampire Bill is, and Sam thinks that he’s still in Dallas. “Don’t you know any other vampires?” Coby asks. Ouch. Sam’s one of those people who just has a Token Vampire Friend. (Cue the loon.) (Literally, and I know it’s a loon because of the Bum Bum Song.)

Back on Lafayette’s porch, Sookie inquires after the health of Lafayette’s leg (as you may recall, Ginger– Fangtasia’s resident fangbanger/whore– shot him).

Sookie: How’s your leg?

Lafayette: Better than ever.

Sookie: Huh. How’d that happen?

Lafayette: Eric made me drink his motherfucking blood, is how that happened.

Sookie: Me too! He tricked me.

Lafayette: Somebody need to slap that bitch.

Sookie: I have!

Lafayette: Look at you.

Sookie asks Lafayette if he’s had any dreams about Eric, and he says that it feels like Eric is always in his head. He admits that he’s been having “sex dreams, all kind of nasty and… fantastic. Which freaks me the fuck out, because I hates that motherfucker, more than you will ever know.” Ha!

Tara’s mom comes out of the house crying, and says that she can’t stay in there with Tara, “saying those things that break my heart.” She says that she’ll keep guard while one of them goes and sits with Tara. “She can’t hurt you like she’s hurting me,” Tara’s mom sniffles. Turns out that Tara’s mom taught Lafayette how to shoot, when white boys at his school were giving him trouble. Backstory!

Also, turns out that Tara’s mom shoots cats with a BB gun? “You shot cats?!” Sookie asks. “Only when they went to the bathroom in my yard,” Tara’s mom replies. But… that’s where they’re supposed to go. They’re cats. Lafayette hands over the gun, which definitely feels like Bad Idea Number Two (we’re about to lose count).

Sure enough, Bad Idea! Tara’s mom turns the gun on Lafayette and Sookie, and demands that Lafayette unlock Tara’s fuzzy purple handcuffs. She shoots the gun to show that she’s serious, and Lafayette falls to the ground, PTSD’ing (people PTSD all over the place on this show). Sookie runs to his side.

Sookie tries to convince Tara’s mom that this is a mistake, but she says, “I’ve got a chance to win my baby back for real!” (I want my baby back baby back… Chili’s baby back ribs.) Sookie gest Lafayette’s keys out of his pocket, noting a heavy-looking little statue on the table next to her.

While Sookie goes inside to de-cuff Tara, Lafayette looks up at Tara’s mom and sees that… holy shit, she’s Eric now. Eric in Tara’s mom’s dress, in the light of day. (Ha! And we know now that Alexander Skarsgard is no stranger to cross-dressing.) Eric is IN HIS HEAD. (Just like he saw Andy as Eric, back in the Merlotte’s kitchen.) I am so happy to see Eric. It would only be better if it was REALLY Eric.

At first we’re hearing what Tara’s mom is saying in Tara’s mom’s voice: “I cannot let you keep me and Tara apart.” But then it turns into Eric’s voice: “And that’s why I’m going to have to kill you.” Eric cocks the gun (ha!) “I thought you wanted to be a vampire.” Not anymore! Lafayette shakes his head, and Eric kneels to his level. “You know how you feel with my blood inside you? Being a vampire is like that, times a million… Bye sweetheart.”

He looks so yummy in the daylight. Yum yum yum. (He looks great in every light, really.) Of course, this doesn’t even make sense. To make Lafayette a vampire, Eric would drink his blood– not shoot him. I mean, I guess he could shoot him first.

Anyway, Sookie and Tara come out and find Lafayette cowering and Tara’s mom standing exactly the way they left her. Strangely, despite Tara’s freedom, Tara’s mom has not lowered the gun.

Sookie gives Tara the keys to her car (now they have her house AND her car– and I’m sure that’s not the last of the indignities), but not before getting her two cents in: “You are being a fucking idiot.” Thank you, Sookie. Thank you. Seriously. Anna Paquin is actually really good in this scene. She’s tapping into a deep reservoir of hate, or something.

Sookie’s yellow car matches her yellow dress. Yesterday I was watching WHEN HARRY MET SALLY, and in the opening scenes Sally’s yellow shirt matched her yellow car. Is this a conspiracy, or what?

As Jason and Andy drive up to town hall, Jason is wondering aloud whether Sam has ever turned into a dog and had sex with a lady-dog. Andy tells him that’s bestiality, but Jason points out that there’s no human involved. It’s just nature! Ha, Jason, glad you’ve put your thinking cap back on. An older lady streaks by in her underwear, unraveling a roll of toilet paper. Wow. Didn’t really want to see that. (And the old person nudity gets worse later… “times a million.”)

“I ain’t letting weird shit like this take over my town,” Jason says. “No. Fucking. WAY.” (Ha ha ha.)

Some really horny woman (okay, all of the people with the crazy eyes are really horny) is standing guard in the lobby at Merlotte’s. Someone has graffiti’d the place with phrases like, “Fuck Authority.” Really? That looks a little production design-y, to me. “Fuck fuck fuck fuck,” would be more realistic. “Authority” is a big word for a person with bug-eyes to spray paint on a wall, don’t you think?

Also, there are anarchy symbols everywhere. Isn’t anarchy an ideology, too? Wouldn’t they be painting Greek symbols, or something? Just saying.

The girl loses interest in Andy when she sees that Jason is there. Poor Andy. Jason decides to “handle” the girl, but even Jason is uncomfortable when she climbs up on him like some crazy koala.

Andy opens the ammo closet, but before he can take anything, Sheriff Dearborne (wearing only boxers from the waist down) pops into the room and forces Andy to square dance with him, at gun point.

We know that Dearborne has the saucer eyes, and his behavior obviously shows it, but for some reason Andy still gets a REVEAL of the crazy eyes, when Dearborne lifts his head enough for us to see his eyes, under his cowboy hat. Andy wrestles away Dearborne’s pistol, and the Sheriff runs off to wherever he came from.

Okay, Tara’s mom STILL has the gun on Sookie and PTSD-ing Lafayette. Hello, overkill. Sookie convinces Tara’s mom to lower the gun, and just as she lowers the gun, Sookie throws the little wooden statue-thing at her head. Ouch! Lafayette grabs the shotgun and he and Sookie run to his car. (Are you impressed that I know the different between a pistol and a shotgun this week? When I didn’t know what a paintball gun was, a few weeks ago?) (I’m still not sure that I know the difference. I might be all wrong about this.)

Lafayette totally drives a top-down pimp mobile, featured fuchsia seat coverings and a leopard print backseat. Nice!

Sam and Arlene’s kids sit in his truck in the parking lot of Fangtasia. (It’s closed, and the sign reads, “Sorry, We’re DEAD.” Ha.) Lisa asks Sam if he knew her daddy, and he says that he didn’t: Arlene split up with him before he came to town. Assuming that Lisa is about ten… Sam is incredibly faithful to Bon Temps, considering that he hasn’t lived here all that long.

Sam heard that Lisa’s dad was “a bit of a wild card… a big personality.” Lisa doesn’t even know what her dad looks like, because Arlene cut him out of all of the pictures she had of him. “All I know is his name is Dwayne and he tattooed Mama’s name on his stomach,” Lisa says. She has wavy red hair and freckles, and I like her better than many of the adult actors on this show.

“Well, he must have loved her a lot,” Sam says. “‘Cause you know that hurt.” Okay, why are we hearing so much about Lisa and Coby’s absent father? Why is this being planted?

Sam hears Ginger’s car lock, and sees her walking across the parking lot in a bikini top and Daisy Dukes (I think that’s what you call whorishly short short-shorts). He gets out of the car (don’t leave the kids in the hot car!) and runs across the parking lot. He yells, “Excuse me!” and scares the CRAP out of Ginger. Looks like she has what one of the writers at my office calls “scary-osis.” It’s probably because she hangs out with vampires, and they sneak up on her ALL the TIME. (And they’ve glamored her one too many times. Her mind is addled.)

Sam asks if he and the kids can wait inside until after dark. Ginger says she can’t let anyone in without Eric’s permission, but Sam offers her $100. We don’t see the outcome, but I’m pretty sure they’re in. Eric really needs to invest in a better human.

The thing about Ginger is that she’s pretty much the fangbanging, probably V-using, equivalent of a coke whore. She has scabby vampire bites all over her neck, she’s trying to look a lot younger than she is. Sitting up close to the TV… she was scarier than a vampire.

Sookie and Lafayette race down a road, surrounded by a dense, verdant forest of… ferns or something. Not evergreens. (By that I mean, not majestic oaks… it’s looking non-California. Good job!) Lafayette says that he’s the only one who can use the gun from now on, and Sookie instructs him to shoot Maryann in the head. THANK YOU. (But it probably won’t work.)

Tara gets to Sookie’s house and finds Eggs sitting at the kitchen table with his head bent down. He’s like a powered-down robot. When she approaches him he sits up (with his big eyes) and says, “Baby, where you been? I was so scared.” Tara tries to get Eggs to leave with her, but of course Maryann is already there.

“You made me eat somebody’s heart!” Tara says. “And you loved it,” Maryann responds. “Admit it.” Ha. Because hearts are for lovin’. We find out that somehow Tara summoned Maryann when she (flashback) had that exorcism and stabbed that not-really-there crazy-eyed version of herself. “You saw you, through me,” Maryann exposits. Miss Jeanette was a fake, but “ritual is a powerful thing. And calling forth that kind of energy has consequences.”

When Maryann killed Miss Jeanette, she thought she was a vessel. But she wasn’t. Oh, I guess she thought Daphne was a vessel, too. And now Sam? Ugh. Keep trying, Maryann. And by that I mean, you’re ruining everything.

Maryann vibrates, and Tara says, “That doesn’t work on me anymore.” Really? Why is that? It should totally still work on you, Tara. Then Maryann punches Tara in the face (haha, there has to be at least one face-punch a week, by mandate), and that totally works. Welcome back to the crazy eyes, Tara. I think Sookie said it best: “You are being a fucking idiot.”

Tara and Eggs run upstairs, presumably to have crazy sex.

Just then, the townspeople who witnessed the “smiting” of Sam Merlotte show up. I have no idea why they’re just arriving now, seeing as how the smiting happened… last night. And it’s late afternoon. They tell Maryann that “the god who comes” came and smote Sam. They have Sam’s clothes as proof.

“You fucking morons!” Maryann screams. Then she makes them all hear a screechy noise in their heads, which totally happened in one of the X-MEN movies. “Must I do everything myself?” (Also, I used a really similar sound in one of my projects in some film class back in college. Haha, good choices.) (Bad choices.)

These poor actors playing the saucer eyes… everything they’re doing reminds me of acting class, 101. Let’s access our inner child! You’re a tree! You’re a hippo! You’re afraid of the light!

Jason has tied up the girl at the police station (not in a sexual way) (why are there still there?), whose name is Rosie. He tells her that he won’t take advantage of anyone who’s fucked up, although once he had sex with a girl who passed out halfway through because she was fine when it started. Classy!

The policeman who is not Andy or Dearborne comes up behind Jason and puts a pistol to Jason’s head. “Shoot him,” Rosie says. “I want to see what happens to his head!” The policeman asks what that game is called with the one bullet in the gun. “Chinese fire drill?” “Russian roulette,” Jason responds. “That’s it,” the policeman says… and pulls the trigger. Jason screams, but luckily the gun just clicks.

Andy comes in and tells Kevin (oh, that’s his name) to drop the gun. Kevin spins around and shoots Andy. Nooo! Andy! Jason’s about to shoot Kevin, but he finds out that Andy’s wearing a Kevlar bulletproof vest… unfortunately, he doesn’t have one for Jason. “Well that sucks!” Jason fumes.

Hoyt’s house. We see pictures of Hoyt with his father, and… I think those are real pictures of Jim Parrack’s dad. And a dorky Prom picture of Hoyt… or at least I think it’s Prom. It’s just a close-up of Hoyt. Where’s the girl? Ha.

Hoyt’s watching wrestling and holding a baseball bat. I wonder if he’s guarding himself from the town, or from Jessica (the sun’s still out… for now). Maxine is in the kitchen, making a casserole for “the god who comes” out of Snicker’s bars, hot sauce, chips, cheese, and other incongruous and uncooked ingredients. (At least she’s not making a giant meat sculpture in the shape of horns).

I guess Maxine thinks that Maryann is getting married? She says that Maryann’s about to have the happiest day of her life, and that “there ain’t a woman who’d go through with it if she knew the truth.” Hoyt tells Maxine that they are NOT going to the party, and of course Maxine is PISSED. We find out that when Hoyt’s daddy died when he was ten, he promised that he’d take care of his mother. “I’ve already let enough bad happen to you,” Hoyt says.

“You haven’t let enough bad happen to me,” Maxine says. She wanted to go to Merlotte’s, drink herself silly, and hook up with rednecks… but she didn’t, because she had to take care of Hoyt. “You ain’t yourself right now,” Hoyt says, in his defense. Maxine says that Hoyt is a “pansy” like his father.

Okay, so the story is that Daddy was a hero who defended Maxine and Hoyt from a burglary… but saucer-eyed Maxine reveals that Daddy was a “secret drinker,” maybe a “closet homosexual.” “That man just liked to dance more than a normal man should.” Ha. Also, Daddy shot himself in the head, “because he was too weak to handle his responsibilities.” Ouch. (Literally and figuratively.) Maxine said it was a burglar for the life insurance money.

Hoyt does that thing where he grabs onto the doorframe (which he also did during the cheese sandwich argument a few weeks back), and I bet that right about now he’s wishing he hadn’t walked away from loved-him-and-is-now-going-to-kill-him Jessica for his terrible, terrible mother.

Two funny notes about this scene from close up: There’s a box of Zatarain’s in the background (nice little Southern-style product placement) and Maxine’s wearing two colorful kids-style Band-Aids over her vampire bite marks.

Okay, that fat old man who is one of the main Maryann followers is interpretive dancing naked around the horned meat sculpture. My eyes! It burns!

Sookie and Lafayette stand off to the side, and Sookie’s increasingly pissed that these people are defiling Gran’s house. Zap them with your magic hands, Sookie! “I almost got raped in Dallas,” Sookie says. “But this is so much worse.” Okay, one of the more awkward sentences ever uttered on this show.

“Don’t take it personal, Sook,” Lafayette says. “They ain’t themselves. And they not doing it on purpose.” “The first time I met Maryann, I knew there was something seriously off about her,” Sookie says. “She was thinking creepy foreign stuff and I could tell it wasn’t good.” Haha, creepy foreign stuff. But moving past that funny bit, Sookie is blaming herself for letting Maryann get this far.

“How come there’s so much wrong in the world, Lafayette? How come so many people are willing to do bad things and hurt other people?” “Because they’re weak,” Lafayette answers. “Well, I am not weak,” Sookie says. “And I am not afraid. I am gonna kick that bitch’s evil ass out of my gran’s house and then you are gonna shoot her.” YES! “In the fucking head,” Lafayette adds.

So it turns out that Arlene and Terry are sitting in a tree branch above Sookie and Lafayette, guarding the house. They jump down to try to collect a fine, because they are annoying. Lafayette tries to bribe them with drugs, and Arlene isn’t buying (“drugs are for losers”) until Terry says, “It’ll make sex real nice.” Ha. (Terry also asks for Oxy… uh oh. When he’s not bug eyed, he’s PTSDing AND addicted to Oxy? Maybe?)

They went ALL of the drugs (oh great, time to OD). “Because if a job ain’t worth doing all out, why order a hamburger unless there’s steak at home or something like that?” Arlene says hilariously, and she and Terry scramble to catch all of the drugs that Lafayette is scattering on the ground.

“Here, chicky chicky,” Lafayette says as he scatters the drugs like chicken feed. Sookie runs ahead to the house. Lafayette is supposed to follow her, as soon as he’s done.

Okay, usually my favorite Eric and/or Jessica scenes happen at the beginning. This week we got the Eric-as-Tara’s-mom thing, but REAL ERIC doesn’t show up until minute 36. (I guess I shouldn’t complain. Last week we only got dream-Eric… but that was at the beginning, AND it was sexy.)

Sam, Lisa, and Coby are sitting in a black leather booth. Eric is sprawled across the top of the opposite side of the booth, looking like a model at a photo shoot. He’s wearing a black shirt, unbuttoned halfway down his chest, and a gray suit. Will you trust me when I say that he looks so very good? And Pam’s standing behind him, wearing a shiny leather-or-pleather red dress, cinched with a black belt.

“Why should I help you… Shifter?” Eric asks. Sam says that he needs Eric’s help… “And hopefully someday I might be able to give you something you need.” Okay, Sam: “Because we need your help,” does not exactly answer the “Why?” No wonder Eric doesn’t like you!

I am trying to remember any interactions Eric and Sam have had in the past. I know that Eric came to Sam’s bar once, last season. Is there anything else between them? Other than the fact that Sam hates Bill? (Eric more or less hates Bill, too, but at least they’re both vampires.)

“Give me Sookie Stackhouse?” Eric asks. (Pam makes a really annoyed face. Jealousy?) “No!” Sam says. “That’s a shame,” Eric says. “That would be a tribute I would not soon forget.” “I’m not here to give you tribute, Eric,” Sam says. “No,” Eric says. “You’re here to request my help, based on a hypothetical future in which you return the favor.” Zing! The kids are staring at Eric, rapt.

A word about Eric (another word): He is so much different than he was in Dallas. We’ve been seeing him in Sookie and Lafayette’s heads for the past few weeks… but mostly in those sexy dreams. And before that, we were seeing him with Godric, and amongst other vampires. There’s something deliciously cold (and scary) in the way he’s acting around Sam. Eric’s back in his element. (It’s funny to imagine that just prior to this, he might have been boo-hooing over Godric.)

Eric sits up, still on top of the booth. He’s already really tall, so he must be towering over Sam and the kids, although it’s hard to tell from the camera angle. “But you are known to not be friendly toward those like me,” Eric says. “Why should I trust you?” Sam’s response: “Because until somebody starts trusting somebody, we’re all single targets, just ripe for the picking.”

Okay, Sam: Not exactly your best tactic, there. For one thing, Eric’s not a target. He’s a vampire, and Maryann can’t do anything with vampires. Also, Fangtasia is in Shreveport, not Bon Temps. Basically, Eric’s only investment in the matter is that Sookie lives in Bon Temps. (And that Bill lives there, but Eric doesn’t really care about Bill.)

“I have no knowledge of this maenad creature,” Eric says. “Although I suspect it’s the bull-headed beast that passed through here recently. Right, Pam?” (“That thing owes me a pair of shoes,” Pam says, and Sam must be thinking, Huh?) Eric says that he knows someone who “might be able to offer something useful.” Hmm, one guess: Is it Sophie-Anne? “Might be able to,” Eric cautions, emphasizing the “might.”

“Can we see your fangs?” Coby asks, and Eric obliges. This is a nice foil to the scene last season where the kids asked Bill to show his fangs, and he just put candy corns on his teeth. (Bill is kind of a pussy vampire.) Cody sits forward, grinning, while Lisa pulls back, her hands clasped to her chest.

“Don’t you like vampires, little girl?” Eric asks. “Eric!” Sam yells. (Don’t be a pedophile, Eric!) “Our almost-stepdaddy hated vampires,” Lisa says. “But we don’t.” “He went on a vacation with Jesus,” Coby adds. (Yeah… Sookie killed him.) (In self defense.) “You make me so happy I never had any of you,” Pam says to the kids.

“Aw, come on, Pam, they’re funny,” Eric counters. “They’re like humans, but miniature. Teacup humans.” When he says “teacup” he makes a kind of scary face at the kids. I love this scene! Saying “teacup” evokes the idea that humans are cute little pets, like teacup Poodles.

And just when I thought it couldn’t get any better, here’s some Swedish!

Pam: I hate them. They’re so stupid.

Eric: But delicious.

The word for “delicious” sounds like “delicate.” Deli-cota. (Also, eating children? Kind of pedophile-ish. Watch it, Eric.)

Sam interrupts the wonderful-ness of Pam and Eric. “So, can you call this other person, who might be able to…?” “Better yet, I’ll go see her,” Eric says. “But I must leave right away.” Okay, it’s definitely Sophie-Anne, because this is pretty much exactly what Bill said yesterday.

Eric walks Sam and the kids out of the bar. “Please get those horrible things out of here,” Pam says in Swedish, re: the kids. “I’ll be smelling them for a week.” One of the words is “stinka.” Eric laughs. LOVE this scene.

And the fun’s not over yet! Exterior Fangtasia Parking Lot- Night, Sam is getting into his car. “You have my cell phone number,” Sam says to Eric. Haha, vampires and their cell phones. “I’ll let you know if I learn of anything of use to you,” Eric says. Speaking of cell phones, maybe he should call Bill before he goes on EXACTLY THE SAME QUEST that Bill’s already on. Whatever.

Eric buttons up his suit, and bends down to address the kids. “Goodnight tiny humans,” he says, and winks. (Um, Eric is great with kids, if you need a babysitter.) Then Eric looks to the sky, and…

WHOOSH! Eric flies into the night! Straight up into the sky. Every time I watch this moment I laugh my head off. That’s just my natural reaction. It’s so fucking awesome, and crazy. Something about the wink to the children gives this a Santa Claus-y vibe. Ha. I knew that Eric could fly (Wikipedia research, his ability to get to Dallas so quickly), but this is still so delightful to see. Fuck Anubis Air!

(“I’m all hot and bothered now,” Roomie says. Tell me about it!)

Coby’s hair is blowing in Eric’s dust. “Whoa, he can fly!” Yes, yes he can. Sam hustles the kids into his truck (wow, pedophile line of the night, courtesy of me– Eric’s in my head!), but looks to the sky before he drives away.

Sookie enters Gran’s Noir House of Horrors and finds A) A woman who has chopped her finger off with a giant knife, and is singing “lo lo bromeus” (the crazy Maryann chant) to the tune of “Row Row Row Your Boat.” The finger is a present for “the god who comes.” He loves presents! and B) A crazy man sitting in her sink, who looks a little bit like the painter brother from “Wedding Crashers.”

But that’s not the worst part. The hairy fat old man who was former dancing naked outside is lying on the kitchen floor. He grabs Sookie’s foot. “Remember when your Gran was laying here, all bloody and dead?” He wants Sookie to lie down next to him, and all of the crazies start scream until she agrees. Ugh, most Sookie get almost-raped every week? Where’s Bill?

The fat guy tells Sookie that she smells good, and she can’t return the compliment. “It makes you feel more alive, being in the presence of death, dun’t it?” he says. Oh, I think he’s the coroner. He tells Sookie that it “ain’t natural and it ain’t right” to have sex with a dead guy. Okay, I get that vampires are “dead,” but they’re not dead dead. They’re basically alive, for all intents and (sexual) purposes.

You would think that at this point, Bill would know that Sookie’s in trouble. But no, here’s department store music, fake seagulls and (actually kind of awesome) sculpture of a lady, made out of shells. It’s Sophie-Anne’s Day Room! Bill and Sophie-Anne lounge in deck chairs– in their bathing suits– while Hadley (in a red-checked Americana bikini) sits next to the pool, swinging her feet in the water. They’re “sunning.” Vampires: Just like us!

On the other side of the pool, a bunch of beautiful humans stand at attention. Sophie-Anne offers Bill something to eat before they play Yahtzee (Really? Out of all the fun things to do?), and he says, “Oh, nothing for me, thank you. I only feed from Sookie.” Wow, how romantic. Hadley looks up at Bill with interest. “Why on Earth would you do that?” Sophie-Anne asks.

A word about Sophie-Anne: She’s wearing all white. Back in the day (around the time of the… ding ding ding, Industrial Revolution) wealthy women would wear all white, because what with all the soot in the air, keeping whites white was a sign of wealth (because you’d have to change your clothes constantly). What with all the blood she encounters, I’m guessing that Sophie-Anne also needs to change clothes frequently.

Bill’s done with his lazy-in-the-sun act, and implores Sophie-Anne to let him go, if she’s told him everything he needs to know about maenads. But she calls Latvian-Ludis over. Ludis already has a set of bite marks on his neck. “This is my good friend Bill Compton. Would you allow him to feed from you?” “Yes, of course,” Ludis says. Bill doesn’t want to do it, but Sophie-Anne insists. And she’s the Queen and all. So Bill has to.

“I will have the sex with you,” Ludis says agreeably. Oh my goodness, how Borat can you get? “That will not be necessary,” Bill says. But Bill drinks from him, because he has to. Ho hum. Ludis is gasping, but he’s into it. Sophie-Anne watches, fangs out. “I love watching two men together.”

Across the pool, we see that one of the female attendants is topless. I bet they didn’t even pay her extra.

Maryann and Carl find Lafayette and his gun. Long story short, Lafayette tries to shoot Maryann, but somehow shoots Carl in the head. Carl’s dead. Ho hum. Maryann gives Lafayette the crazy eyes. Annoying! But not surprising.

Bill, Sophie-Anne, Ludis, and Hadley play Yahtzee. Everyone else is still in pool wear, but Bill’s back in his black shirt and gray pants. (Oooh, Eric’s gonna be pissed when he sees that they’re wearing almost the same thing. Haha.) Finally, Sophie-Anne tells Bill that maenads are waiting for “the god who comes.” “Does he ever come?” Bill asks. “Of course not,” S-A replies. That’s what she said?

“Gods never actually show up,” S-A says. “They only exist in humans’ minds. Like money. And morality.” (Wait, I thought that Maryann wasn’t human anymore.) Basically, Maryann will leave if she believes that she successfully summoned forth Dionysius, who has to “ravish her, quite literally devour her, until she’s lost in oblivion.” “So she seeks death, the true death,” Bill says. “The one thing she’s evolved beyond.” Are they using evolved the right way?

“Ironic, isn’t it?” Sophie-Anne says. “They’re really not that smart, these maenads.” Also, Dionysius isn’t necessarily non-existant. He just never comes. Maryann believes that if she sacrifices and eats part of her vessel while surrounded by her familiars, that Dionysius will appear. She can only be killed at the point when she willingly surrenders herself to her god. (Maybe Eric can play the part? Maybe?)

Maenads like to use supernatural beings as their vessels, but not vampires, because vampires lack a beating heart. Whew! “They’ll try any other being that straddles the two worlds.” They’re constantly revising their recipe to find the one magic element that will “make it happen,” Sophie-Anne explains. “Idiots.”

Just then, one of S-A’s secret service dudes beckons. Finally, Sophie-Anne calls Hadley by her name. Hadley asks Bill how cousin Sookie is doing, and Bill appears not at all shocked by this “revelation.” What’s up with that? Bill smiles a lot in his awkward Bill way and says that Sookie’s good. (Um, note exactly.) And now Hadley knows that Bill’s feeding on her all the time. Exclusively. Awkward.

Hadley says that she’d love to talk to Gran sometime, “but I owe her so much money.” “I think it’s best that you are not in touch,” Bill says, not wanting to break the horrible news that Gran is deader than dead. “Oh, I know that there’s no place for me in that world anymore,” Hadley says. “I still think about ’em, though.” Hadley is a human in a vamp world, Bill is a vamp in a human world. And they’re both in relationships with the opposite species. So much in common! Whatever.

Sophie-Anne tells Bill his “friend Mr. Northman” is here. “Then it’s definitely time for me to go,” Bill growls. “This alpha male posturing,” Sophie-Ann says. “You two really should just fuck each other and get it over with… I could watch.” What if Eric fucks his girlfriend in her dreams? Close enough.

“Enjoy your restricted diet,” Sophie-Anne says as Bills leaves. “I do look forward to meeting her.” She’s practically an in-law, what with the whole Hadley situation. As soon as Bill leaves, S-A gets a Yahtzee.

Eric and Bill run into each other on the steps-in-the-water in front of Sophie-Anne’s palace. Eric is towering over Bill, because Bill is so short. Civil War era! Eric tells Bill that he’s there to “kick a maenad’s ass,” and Bill postulates that Eric’s just trying to “look like a hero to Sookie.”

“Oh Billy,” Eric sighs. Billy! I love it. “This paranoia, it’s really quite unbecoming,” Eric scoffs. But then he adds, “Has she, uh, mentioned me?” “No,” Bill says. “That was really quite desperate of you, tricking her into drinking your blood so that she became attracted to you.”

“Unlike you, who fed her your own blood the very night you met,” Eric points out. “How do you know that?” Bill asks. Eric: “So you’re not denying it?” Bill says that he was saving Sookie’s life. “How convenient,” Eric purrs. Once again, Bill warns Eric to stay away from Sookie. “Or I will tell the Queen that you’re forcing humans to sell vampire blood for you.”

Eric: You wouldn’t.

Bill: I won’t. As long as you never come close to Sookie ever again.

Eric: I don’t like threats, Bill.

Bill: Neither do I.

Okay, A) Eric is Bill’s Sheriff, and B) I’m sure Eric will get close to Sookie again really soon. If not physically, then in her dreams. C) Eric runs his hands through his hair a couple of times, and it’s a great choice. Love his new hair. D) I like the water playing off their faces.

But the real question at hand here: How much does Sookie drinking a GALLON of Bill’s blood in 102 have to do with her attraction to him? She drank like one sip of Eric’s blood and she’s already having these crazy dreams. What came first in Sookie’s attraction to Bill: the chicken or the egg? (I think she had a sex dream about Bill in 101? But it was a nightmare… so, I don’t know.)

Jason and Andy park far away from Gran’s house. “Element of surprise,” Jason says. They eat some candy bars to load up on carbs. “You think Sam could turn into a chicken and lay his own egg?” Jason asks. “Wouldn’t that be weird, eatin’ something that just came out of you?” (See that? SO much chicken talk this week!)

“What kind of a perverted brain would even think of something like that?” Andy scoffs. Jason confronts Andy re: why Andy never liked him. Is it because Jason gets more women? Not entirely. Andy thinks that Jason has had everything too easy, but when Andy lists the reasons, Jason’s like, what are you smoking?

Andy: You were all-state quarterback.

Jason: You think that was easy? I’m starting to have knee issues. And I ain’t even thirty yet! What else?

Andy: Well yeah, women do just throw themselves at you. You don’t even have to do anything.

Jason: Actually, I do. I work out like a motherfucker. And I watch a lot of porn, and learn stuff. What else? My best friend killed my grandma and my girlfriend. I come from no money. My mama and my daddy died when I was eleven.

Andy: So did mine!

They don’t exactly work their shit out, but Jason says that he and Andy are the ones who have received the calling to save this town, “so obviously God wants us to bury the hatchet.” It’s all up to the two of them, and they can’t fuck it up. Hopefully it’s not up to the two of them entirely, because they are the town’s two biggest fuck-ups.

Jason: This town may be full of crazy rednecks, and dumbasses, but they’re still Americans, Andy.

Andy: And that used to mean something.

Jason: It still does.

Jason continues to do a great George W. Bush imitation. They get out of the car and gather their munitions.

Sam sits on the porch of his picturesque trailer, holding a gun. Suddenly Bill is standing in front of him. Time for enemies to unite!

Sookie’s still on the floor, being spooned by the gross guy. “Mike, enough with the foreplay,” she says. “Let’s just do it already.” She wants to be on top, which puts her in the position to grab a frying pan and beam Mike. Why didn’t she do that an hour ago? (Also, nice of Bill to find Sam first. I guess Sookie wasn’t freaked enough for him to get the bat-signal?)

Sookie goes upstairs in search of Tara, and finds a tattooed guy cross-dressing. Next room, she finds Tara and Eggs destroying all of Gran’s stuff, to make a nest in Gran’s bed. The next contains a giant… EGG. Hahahaha. Lafayette comes up behind Sookie, and he has the saucer eyes. Sookie SCREAMS.

Cut to black.

In two weeks: Season finale! Betrayal! Revenge! Maryann in a wedding dress! Eric on the floor, being ravaged by Sophie-Anne or something. Sookie crying and being sorry about something, and wearing a white dress, too.

I can’t wait until next season. More Eric, please. No more Maryann, PLEASE.

xoxo…

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