Episode 208, “Timebomb.” Air date: 8/9/09. This is part one of two. (Part Two is here.)
Okay, just finished watching tonight’s episode. It was mostly a really long vampire cocktail party with a lot of vampire extras, plus some batshit Maryann insanity. “Mad Men” starts next week and I also have a life, so I’ve got to get better at paring down these recaps. Also… there just wasn’t as much hilariousness to share this week. Thus begins what is hopefully a leaner recap than usual…
The Fellowship basement. Godric snaps Gabe’s neck. Goodbye Gabe, we won’t miss you. (Although Gabe thinks Godric is his buddy? What is UP? Some weird version of Stockholm Syndrome?) Eric arrives, and kneels at Godric’s feet. He SO wants to make out. (So do I–Godric is hot.)
Eric asks Godric if he needs to feed, and Godric says, “I require very little blood anymore.” Curiouser and curiouser! Unlike Swedish-chameleon Eric, Godric has more of the Euro-accent going. A blue flashing alarm goes off, and Godric tells Eric to “save the human” (Sookie) and spill no blood on his way out.
Jason wakes up, not dead from being shot. Over the past week I thought about the Sarah-shooting-Jason thing, and decided that she must have shot him with one of those wooden bullets. I mean, we saw him fall, but we didn’t see any blood. I was close, but no cigar. Remember how I’m clueless about guns, and just called it a “big gun?” Well… it was a paintball gun. Yeah.
Jason thinks that God saved him, and Sarah says, “Oh, for heaven’s sake, grow a brain cell. Paint balls!” Jason calls her a “crazy bitch.” Good call, Jason. Sarah calls Jason, “Worse than Judas.” “Why, what did he do to you?” Jason asks. Ha! “Fuck you!” Sarah says, shooting Jason in the groin with the paintball gun. Now your balls are orange! Sarah is mad that Jason ran, and he says that he was running from Steve’s “crazy weapon collection.” Another good call!
Jason finally finds out that the Fellowship has Sookie. Sarah calls the Stackhouses “nothing but a bunch of heartless, two-faced vampire fuckers.” Jason overtakes her, steals the paintball gun, and drive away in the ATV. “If I find out any of you so much as touched [Sookie],” he says, “I’m gonna come back here, and it won’t be with no fucking paint gun!” If you didn’t guess this from last week’s Jason vs. Gabe karate beatdown, Jason does not tolerate people trash-talking his sister. Sarah is left by the side of the road in that gold dress, looking a little bit more Betty Draper than usual.
Women and children in frumpy pajamas evacuate the church as a stupid recording of Steve’s voice reassures them that everything’s okay, and/or the apocalypse is upon us. Eric and Sookie watch them from a doorway. Seeing as how Eric is actually listening to Godric, Sookie guesses that Godric is Eric’s maker. “Don’t use words you don’t understand,” Eric warns. “You have a lot of love for him,” Sookie reasons. “Don’t use words I don’t understand,” Eric retorts. Zing!
The “soldiers” lock the women and children outside the church. Yeah, they’ll be safe out there in the dark! With all the men locked inside. Dumbasses. A couple of men are blocking the door, and Eric walks out to talk to them. “Hey ya’ll,” he says in a yokel voice that’s reminiscent of Steve Zahn. He’s also hunching over a little. “How’s it going? Steve sent me over to man the exit here.” (Mind you, he’s clad in black leather and the rest of the guys are in flannel.) The guys are suspicious (duh), and Eric manages to glamour one of them. A few stakes are raised, but Eric subdues them lickety split.
I think seeing Eric imitate a human was the best part of the episode. Not even ten minutes in, and there’s your best scene. It’s all downhill from here.
Eric opens the front door and sees an angry mob approaching. (This is totally like the end of Disney’s “Beauty and the Beast!”) “Those arrows are wood,” says the young guy who Eric just had pinned against the wall (heh). “You’ll never make it through.” Okay, thanks for warning us, Enemy Guy.
Eric and Sookie try to exit through the sanctuary, but–lo and behold–Steve is standing at the… well, in temple we would say that he’s standing on the “bimah.” It’s not exactly a pulpit, but it’s the front. Suddenly a bunch of Fellowship guys burst in, and it’s UH OH time. Sookie and Eric are surrounded. (I happen to know from Wikipedia-ing the books that Eric can fly. I’m not sure why he doesn’t take advantage of that skill.)
Sookie tells the Fellowship peeps that if they leave, nobody has to die. Steve spreads his arms. “The war has begun, you evil whore of Satan.” Haha, Steve gets the best lines. (Also, Maryann is the Evil Whore of Satan around here. Get with the program, Steve.) Sookie tells Steve that his vampire got away. “I’m not concerned with Godric,” he shrugs. “Any vampire will do for our grand celebration. And we got one right here!” Uh oh, Eric. “I’ll be fine,” Eric tells Sookie. He’s in total nice guy/hero mode.
ALSO: Is it strange that Steve calls Godric by name, like a pal or something? There’s something weird going on with the Fellowship and Godric, but I don’t know if it’s going to get a full exploration because of… well, what happens at the end.
“Brothers and sisters,” Steve says, “There WILL be. A holy bonfire. At dawn.” Okay, Steve. Whatever you say.
In the hotel room, Lorena scares the shit out of Barry while Bill frets over Sookie. “She’s like an alarm clock you can’t switch off,” Lorena observes. She bites Barry, but the taste of Barry’s blood freaks her out. “What are you?” she asks Barry, which is exactly what Bill asked Sookie in the pilot. It’s telepath blood! It tastes like… who knows. While Lorena spends a stunned moment contemplating Barry, Bill smashes her over the head with a giant plasma screen TV. He grabs Barry and flees the room.
(Barry’s fine but shocked, and that’s all we see of him in this episode. Not sure if he’ll be back… depends on how much longer we’re in Dallas. Also, Lorena lies on the floor with blood gushing out of her head. Her blood? But later she’s fine. No worries.)
Hoyt and Jessica are having sex. Important/awkward foreshadowing: Hoyt says, “Are you okay? I’m not hurting you?” And Jessica says, “Not anymore.” Bill bursts into the room, and in his Southern Gentleman way he is VERY embarrassed. Jessica shrieks when she sees Bill, and Hoyt jumps to his feet. “I don’t know what you heard,” he says. “But those were screams of pleasure.” Jessica is mortified. (Kind of appropriate, because she’s dead.) Bill tells Hoyt that if he truly cares for Jessica, he’ll drive her back to Bon Temps before dawn. (Just DON’T go to any sex orgies, y’hear?)
Lafayette reads Tara’s tarot (ha). Bad stuff. “A sacrifice in matters of the heart.” (Ha, appropriate. Maryann just did that!) Her future is the “Justice” card, and the ominous music makes me think, Uh Oh. Eggs bursts into Merlotte’s and tells Tara that he had another blackout and woke up on the ground near the lake. (You were killing Daphne, Eggs.) He’s freaking out, and Tara escorts him home. Lafayette was listening from the kitchen, and the look on his face is very, “Oh no he DIDn’t.”
Jason drives up the ATV and tells the Fellowship guards to let him in. “We’re on lockdown,” one guy protests. “There’s a vampire inside.” Except he pronounces it “vamper,” or maybe “vampyr.” It’s funny, to me. “That’s why they sent for me,” Jason says. He’s totally Jason-the-vampire-slayer, except he’s pretending. He holds up the paintball gun as if it’s a real gun, and shows the guy his honesty ring. “Dude!” the guy says, holding up HIS honesty ring. Jason’s in.
As soon as they’re in the church doors, the Dude-guy realizes that Jason’s packing a paintball gun (“Is that a paintball gun?”), and Jason pistol-whips him (is that the right phrase?) in the face. “Yeah. It is.”
Sam is sleeping in his car, and gets a startling late-night call from Merlotte’s (caller ID). It’s a hang-up, but it means that somebody’s in Merlotte’s. (It’s coming from inside your restaurant!) He goes to Merlotte’s, and– wouldn’t you know it?–he finds Daphne’s dead, heartless body in the freezer. Call the police, Sam! Instead, he starts to wrap Daphne up in black trash bags. Way to not look suspicious. He has a change of heart and dials 911, but the sheriff is ALREADY OUTSIDE. Damn that Maryann!
Speak of the devil! (Er, the devil’s handmaiden?) Maryann’s sauteing veggies and singing, and OH GROSS SHE’S CUTTING UP A HEART AND PUTTING IT INTO THE PAN! (It looks like a much bloodier version of the chicken pot pie filling my mom makes.) (I can’t actually look.)
Eric is lying on a platform thingy at the front of the church, with a silver chain covering his neck, wrists, and upper arms. Ow. “You see?” Steve preaches. “Just as our Lord our savior was betrayed for thirty pieces of silver, a few ounces of silver can betray a child of Satan to the world!” “That doesn’t that make any sense,” Sookie yells. Two Fellowship Dudes are restraining her. “How can you people listen to him?” Heh. “I offer myself in exchange for Godric’s freedom, and the girl’s,” Eric manages to say. Hmm, maybe he should have gotten that in writing BEFORE he was rendered helpless.
As I suspected, Steve’s not going with it. He calls Sookie “a traitor to her race.” “Maybe I should tie her to you so you can meet the sun together,” he says. “This little marshmallow would roast up nicely.” Nice imagery, Steve!
Suddenly, a burst and some screams. It’s Bill, running in through the double doors in the back. “SOOKIE!” It’s been kind of a while since Bill and Sookie were in the same room, and it’s hilarious to hear him say her name. (Also, Stephen Moyer and Anna Paquin are engaged. Congrats, you crazy kids.)
Uh oh, Steve has a gun. “One more step, vampire, and the girl dies.” “If you shoot her, everyone here with die,” Bill threatens. “Let her go, now.” Steve shakes his head and makes a face. “Honestly, what do they see in you?” he asks Sookie. HA! Somebody had to say it. The soldiers move toward Bill with silver chains. “Sookie, I will be fine,” he says, but he looks worried.
Just then– KABLAM!– Jason shoots Steve in the hand with a paintball. Ouchie! “Let her go, fuckwad!” Jason screams, this time shooting Steve in the forehead. (Now the paint is green!) Bill uses the distration to knock Sookie’s guards away. “Son of a bitch!” Steve screams. Sookie runs over to Eric and removes his chains. (The silver was just sitting on top of him. You’d think the Fellowship would chain him down, just in case. Dumbasses.)
Eric slams Steve down on the stone steps. “Eric! Do not kill him!” Sookie yells. Jason, who by now has several Fellowship Dudes holding him back, yells, “Kill him! Kill the motherfucker!” (Steve may be a motherfucker, but Jason is a wife-fucker. Heh.) Luke is looking very troubled, and this is FORESHADOWING. “Go ahead,” Steve says. “Martyr us. Martyr us before God. We are willing to die.” Creepy! (Incidentally, I won the district spelling bee in 7th grade on the word “martyr.”)
Let the real UH OHs begin, because here’s Stan with his gang of leather-clad vampire warriors. They have that dystopian biker gang vibe going. “We’ll kill you first,” Stan says. “Same way we did your father.” “MURDERER!” Steve screams, but then he does this funny kind of baby move where his hands seize up because Eric is grabbing his throat. (Seriously, this guy is a comic genius. He deserves an Emmy nod.)
“Kill them,” Stan says to his gang. “All of them.” The fangs are out! But before anybody is bitten–“Enough!” It’s Godric, standing amongst the organ pipes, where a crucifix ought to be. (Ooh, look what they did there! Godric is GODric, right?) “These people have not harmed me,” Godric says. “You see? We can coexist.” (What’s UP with Godric? And why didn’t the Fellowship harm him?) “Help me set an example,” Godric says to Steve. “If we leave you in peace, will you do the same?” “I will NOT negotiate with sub-humans,” Steve says. Then, to Eric, “Kill me. Do it. Jesus will protect me.” Sure, right.
“I’m actually older than your Jesus,” Godric reminds Steve. “I wish I could have known him, but I missed it.” Awesome!
Godric rushes down lightning-fast and grabs Steve. “Good people,” he says. “Who of you is willing to die for this man’s madness?” Nobody moves. “That’s what I thought,” Godric nods. “Stand down, everyone.” Most of the people rush out, but Luke watches as Godric throws Steve to the ground. “I daresay my faith in humankind is stronger than yours,” Godric admonishes Steve.
How amazing is Godric? He was also totally badass as Death, though. What happened?
Luke walks out, looking back several times. UH OH. Eric asks Sookie if she’s sure she’s okay, and it’s unexpectedly sweet. Eric weirded me out when we first met him at Fangtasia last season, but by now he’s pretty much the best. Jason runs to Sookie and hugs her. She can’t believe that he was involved in the Fellowship. Re: Steve, Jason says, “It’s like he sucked out my brain and planted all his own babies in there.”
“You know nothing,” Steve spits. “On the final day of reckoning, we’ll see who goes to heaven, and who goes to hell.” “I reckon I’ve already been to heaven,” Jason sasses. “It was inside your wife.” Jason punches Steve hard in the face (this show is turning into a fight club). (Foreshadowing.) Bill and Sookie direct Jason out of the synagogue (whatever it’s called), but not before Jason throws his Honesty ring at Steve’s nose. “Honesty my ass, Shithead!” Steve picks up the ring, and is left all alone in his cavernous church.
All right, that was the halfway mark. More later. That took me about 90 minutes. Improvement!
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