Vampy Campy Recap: TRUE BLOOD Episode 207, Part Two

Waiting for Godric? He's finally here.
Waiting for Godric? He's finally here.

Once again, it’s Episode 207, “Release Me.” Air date 8/2/09. (Part One is here.)

PART TWO

“We need to rest.” Bill and Lorena are in the hotel room, lying on couches. That looks pretty restful to me. But I guess it’s not quality vampire-rest. (Until this episode nobody mentioned that the vamps get sick if they don’t sleep during the day. I thought they just had to avoid sunlight.)

Lorena refuses to go to sleep, because she thinks Bill will escape. (Can’t Bill just go to sleep, Lorena be damned?) Lorena thinks that Bill will try to go save Sookie, and she cares about him too much to let him into the sun. (Incidentally, the sun seems to be shining into their room. Oh, light-tight technology!) Bill says that he may love Sookie, but he’s not suicidal. (Flashback foreshadowing!)

Ew, Lorena has a nosebleed. And Bill is bleeding out his ears! Just get some sleep, you crazy kids! “The bleeds have begun.” What are these bleeds? Why are we seeing this for the first time so late in the game? And seriously, it doesn’t seem like enough time has passed for them to have gotten this weak. “You may be able to keep me here, awake, for a day—maybe two. But not forever.” Okay, now we have a ticking clock.

Bill tries to grab what looks like a remote control, and I think he’s going to open the light-tight window. But apparently it’s a phone. Lorena grabs it away, and Bill asks her to at least let him call Eric. “He’s the reason why Sookie’s in danger,” Bill explains. “He is also the reason I’m here,” Lorena says, crushing the phone in her hand. “He wants the girl, William. Just let him have her.”

The Fellowship barracks (I keep vaguely wondering if this could be the Brandeis Bardin Institute, which would be a funny irony because… Jews. And I’ve gone to leadership retreats there!). Jason is all packed up and trying to leave. Love ‘em and leave ‘em. Sorry, Sarah. She came on a bit too strong for poor simple Jason.

Steve pulls up in a car, chipper as usual. “Where you off to, Jason?” “Just taking a walk.” “With your suitcase?” (Ha.) Gabe forces Jason into the car, and it speeds away. UH OH.

Andy has a cast on his left arm. He’s telling Sheriff Dearborn about bull masks and giant claws and “big black saucer eyes like zombies.” Sheriff Dearborn just sighs, a big cigar in his mouth. That’s the whole scene. It’s probably about 20 seconds, maybe less.

Tara and Eggs are watching a horror movie. Maryann returns to the house, her feet bare and bleeding. She’s holding a dead rabbit. Tara is concerned, but Maryann says she’s fantastic. “I slept outside last night, and I communed with my animal nature.” Yeah, by wearing a bull mask.

Re: the rabbit, she says, “This little fellow hopped by and I thought, ‘Mmm, yummy. Rabbit stew!’” Okay, the fact that she killed a rabbit with her bare hands… that should be a SIGN that she is FREAKY. (Also, that is REALLY communing with your animal nature, beyond what the hippies would do. Hunting!)

“Poor bunny,” Tara says, and Maryann laughs. “Feeling sorry for things is just an excuse not to celebrate your own happiness.” HA! Oh Maryann, you are so bizarre. What next? (Foreshadowing: KILL DAPHNE.) Maryann says that TarEggs are glowing, and asks what they did last night. As if she doesn’t know!

Tara reminds Maryann that it’s not cool to throw a frat party at Sookie’s house, because she could come home at any time. (Little does Tara know…) Maryann says that Sookie will be grateful that Tara fixed “that nasty old water heater.” Yeah, but she’ll probably be less thrilled about the buckets of semen in the woods behind her house.

“She is so fucking weird,” Tara says. DUH, TARA. “I know,” Eggs replies. “Isn’t it great?” Ugh.

Gabe has a knife to Jason’s throat, and Steve is lecturing Jason. “You know what burns me the most is that I brought you into my home, and I treated you like family.” Jason apologizes, saying that he’s weak.

Of course, it’s a classic comedy-of-errors situation, where Jason thinks that Steve is talking about the sex with Sarah, and doesn’t realize that Steve doesn’t know about the Sarah-sex, and is talking about Sookie and the vampires. Just like in “Fiddler on the Roof,” when Tevye is talking about his daughter and the butcher is talking about the cow (Or maybe vice versa, I haven’t seen “Fiddler” in… wow, ten years? Maybe more.)

Steve: I gave you a chance at salvation, a chance to live in his holy light. And you chose THEM?
Jason: I know it was wrong. I… wait, who are “them?”
Steve: Oh please, cut the act. I know who you are and who you’re working for.
Jason: …The road crew?

Steve laughs, and I do too. Oh Jason! (Also: With Rene dead, Hoyt in Dallas, and Lafayette chef’ing and moonlighting for Eric and Pam… is there any road crew left? Who will fill the potholes?!) Steve says that Jason is “snakier than a snake in the grass.” (Well, at least the “snake” part is getting closer.) Jason tells Steve that he’s making a mistake. “You’re confusing me with somebody else, or something.”

“Say a prayer,” Steve answers. “You are going to hell. And you are going there today.” Gabe walks Jason down a path (“Start walking, vampire lover.”), and Steve drives away in the car.

Daphne sits on the dock, in a fuchsia dress. (It’s a very similar color to Lorena’s flowing silky dress/lingerie thing that she’s been wearing in the hotel scenes of this episode.) Sam comes up behind her, with the gun. “Do you think I’m scared of dying?” she says. “I know you’re scared of Maryann,” Sam answers. “Those scars on your back, and how she got you to be her whore.” Oooh, sad for Sam. The sex was just part of the plan!

“It ain’t whoring if you do it for love,” Daphne says. Sam’s not swayed: “I need you to stop pretending you ever gave a shit about me.” “I ain’t talking about you,” Daphne replies. “We had fun, but…” Sam freaks his shit out. “We had FUN?! I fucking trusted you! I shared parts of myself I never shared with anyone!” Yeah, there was that. “How can you do this to your own kind?” What kind of shapeshifter are you, Daphne?! You swine!

Daphne says she used to be scared, stupid, and full of shame… just like Sam. “She could have killed me,” Daphe says, but with her accent it sounds like “keeled.” “I deserved it.” But instead Maryann saved Daphne and gave her a whole new life. “No fear, no limits… just love.” Ugh, sounds like a terrible slogan for an even worse product.

Sam points out that cutting out hearts isn’t love. Very astute, Professor Merlotte. Daphne tells Sam that he is a flea compared to Maryann. “If I’m so fucking insignificant, why’s she going through all this trouble trying to get me?” Because Sam got away from Maryann once, Daphne explains. Maryann can’t control Sam. She can put her energy inside of most people (hence the crazy black eyes) and drive them “like tiny little remote control airplanes.”

But Maryann’s powers don’t work on “supernaturals.” She can force shifts and the like, but she can’t get inside them. “We gotta go to her on our own free will. She just loves a challenge.” “I’m not a challenge,” Sam says. “I’m a person.” “Well, not exactly,” Daphne points out.

Can I just say: What would Maryann be able to do to vampires? Why was Bill reading the “Gods & Monsters of Ancient Greece” book?

“I’m sweating like a pig,” Daphne says. Appropriate! “You wanna get wet with me one last time, Sammy?” Inappropriate! Also, she’s wearing a bathing suit. We’ve got a definite never-nude on our hands, here (in terms of what the camera gets to see). And she’s wearing a pink bikini. That’s apt for a pig.

Daphne dives into the water. “What is she?” Sam asks. “What the fuck is she?” “She’s God, dumb dumb,” Daphne replies. Which would be more shocking, if Daphne was right. But Maryann’s obviously not God God, so whatever.

Hugo rattles the cage. “Hey! I need to use the bathroom!” That’s really going to help, Hugo. Good work, you’re really making a big dent in your whole “I’m gonna get us out of here” claim. Sookie offers Hugo her water bottle (nice plant!) and says she’ll turn her back. Hugo knocks it away like an ingrate and says he needs to get out of there, and Sookie informs him that he’s not helping. (Duh.)

Though: Is Hugo very very nervous because he knows that Godric is sleeping somewhere in that basement? Godric didn’t show his face the night before, but that doesn’t mean he’s not going to pop out when this day ends.

Sookie grabs Hugo’s arm to force him to sit, and of course she sees his thoughts. She sees him PRAYING WITH THE NEWLINS. UH OH! (And… not surprising.) And eavesdropping on Isabel’s strategy meeting with Stan, Eric, Sookie, and Bill. And telling the Fellowship that he’s going to be infiltrating with Sookie. So now we know who the traitor is. If you didn’t already guess that from all the times I called him the traitor.

“Maryann is not God,” Sam says. Daphne rephrases. “She’s as close to God as we’ll ever get. People call her all kinds of names… [something], Lillith, Isis, Gaia…but what she really is, is a maenad.” (Another not-surprising revelation.) “What the fuck is that?” Sam asks. Thank you, Sam. You are pretty much the voice of the audience right now, and your irritation with all this Maryann stuff is earning you a lot of gold stars, in my book.

“According to the Greeks, maenads were handmaidens of Dionysius,” Daphne says. “But they’re really a lot more than that.” She’s swimming and Sam’s just watching her from the dock, gun in hand. Shoot her, Sam! Sam knows that Dionysus is the god of wine, which seems a little un-Samly, but Daphne lets it go (thus, we are supposed to let it slide) because he owns a bar.

“Guess what else they called him?” Daphne says. “The horned god. Sound familiar?” Wow, Daphne, that’s thrilling. But it doesn’t make the bull mask any less batshit. Oh, look at me and my non-Christian upbringing. I was supposed to connect the horns with Satan. Okay, so Dionysius is Satan. Maryann is Satan’s handmaiden! (What’s Carl?) Also: Did Daphne even need to spell this out? I could have told you that Maryann was Satan-related from day one.

So Maryann can bring out peoples’ lust, anger, excess (“all the fun stuff”) and channel/control it. With all that power, the best she can do is make people have forced orgies? Lame. Daphne says that Maryann is immortal. “She never wasn’t here, so there ain’t no point in fighting her, y’see? You’ll never win.” Not with that attitude, he won’t.

“Well, I’m not going to just let her kill me,” Sam says. Run away, Sam! “Being a part of something divine is worth dying a thousand times,” Daphnes answers. “You’ll see.” No, YOU’LL see, Daphne. In the words of Reverend Steve: You are going to hell, and you are going there today! (Good riddance.) (But I’m getting ahead of myself again.)

“If I give myself up, will she go away? Leave everyone alone?” Is he thinking specifically about Tara? A few episodes ago he was about to ditch these people. Now he’s going to sacrifice himself for them? It doesn’t really matter, because Daphne says that Maryann’s having too much fun here to leave. “This town is full of crazies, ripe for the picking.” True that.

Daphne gets out of the water. “Go to her, Sam. Play nice. She might even let you live.” Daphne puts her arms around Sam, and he pushes her away. “Stay the fuck away from me!” I like to think that he really doesn’t want her to get his shirt wet. “Arghh! This is cotton blend!” Sam walks away, leaving Daphne on the dock. I realize at this point that her bikini is actually underwear. Just so you know.

Also, swimming in Louisiana? In random green cloudy water? I would be worried about getting eaten by an alligator. That’s so ADAPTATION isn’t it? I guess Daphne would just shift into an alligator, and have alligator sex with her would-be attacker. That’s how she rolls.

Hugo is explaining himself to Sookie. He was addicted to having sex with vampire Isabel? Well, to clarify, he was addicted to being “desired by something that powerful.” “I’m no addict,” Sookie scorns.

“I guess you wouldn’t know how your life changes to suit them,” Hugo says. “You start missing work, you can’t get up in the morning, can’t stand to leave them after dark. Before you know it, you’re somebody you wouldn’t even recognize.” Having dated a couple of guys who were major night owls, I can totally identify with Hugo’s struggle. But then, I can’t identify with his resulting decision to JOIN A CRAZY CULT. “So you went to the Fellowship because you couldn’t control yourself?” Sookie’s not impressed, either.

“I begged her to turn me,” Hugo says. “It was the only way we could be together as equals. But see, they don’t want us to be equals. Nah, she’s just been using me. Same way Bill’s been using you… a telepath’s gotta be a real trophy for a vampire.” Hugo argues that vampires only truly care about other vampires. If the Newlins care so much about Hugo, Sookie asks, why is he still locked up in their church’s basement? “You’re just a fang-banging traitor to them.”

(My sister, who was watching for the first time, found the term “fang-banger” to be hilarious.)

Hugo realizes that Sookie is right. He calls for Gabe. “Gabe? She knows everything. You can let me out now.” But nobody comes to let him out, and Sookie is smug.

The thing is, I can see both sides of this argument. Hugo thinks that Isabel won’t turn him because she doesn’t care for him, but really she wants to save him from having to be a vampire. Judging from Bill’s own tortured feelings about being a vampire, I’m guessing that he would FREAK if Sookie asked him to turn her.

Sarah is looking cute in a yellow dress as she welcomes churchgoers to the lock-in. (She obviously shops at Pageant Queens and Evangelical’s Wives ‘R Us.) Steve comes up to her, wearing a white suit and a gold tie. (“I told you that suit was a winner,” Sarah says.) He has a sort of Colonel Sanders vibe going, with a healthy dash of Cult Leader. He’s all dressed and ready for the spaceship to arrive! It’s funny that they’re so dressed up because everybody else is wearing pajamas.

Also, Steve has a little pin on his lapel: A silver triangle with a yellow jewel in the center. Triangles are very Scientology, that’s all I’m saying. (Oh, and I wonder if they’re using a real church for this set. It’s hard to believe that any religious organization would want to be associated with this culty-ness. Then again… rental fees! Gotta pay the bills somehow.)

Steve tells Sarah that he needs to talk to her in private, about Jason. Still smiling, she says, “Of course.” Inside she must be freaking out. Or maybe not—I mean, she wanted Steve to know about the Jason-sex.

Gabe is leading Jason into the woods. “I’m a good soldier for Christ!” Jason says. “I’m telling you, there’s been some kind of mistake!” He’s wearing a shirt that says “Bon Temps Football” with an eagle on it. I bet you can buy it at the HBO online store. Gabe says that the mistake started when Jason’s momma “spread her legs and pushed out you and your whore of a sister.” (Um, they’re not twins.)

Gabe should NOT have called Sookie a whore. Jason goes karate on his ass, and manages to kick the knife out of Gabe’s hand and punch him in the jaw. This episode is all about the judo chops!

“Don’t EVER talk about my sister!” Jason yells. “Is that the best you can do, sister-fucker?” Gabe taunts. (Gabe, you’re already bleeding. Just drop it.) Jason screams and lifts Gabe, slamming him to the ground. For a moment Gabe is on top (heh), but ultimately Jason institutes some good old-fashioned karate justice, slamming Gabe into a tree. “That’s the best I can do, dick-brain.” Jason kicks Gabe in the crotch, and Gabe falls over. Owwie!

So… Gabe’s not so tough, after all. That’s what you get when you drive around in an ATV car thing instead of running with your recruits!

Jason picks up the knife before he runs away. Good thinking! But kind of dangerous to run with a knife. Don’t fall on it! (He doesn’t.)

Lafayette is on the phone with one of his old V buyers, trying to convince her to buy. Yeah he said he was done, but he’s back. But she just got out of rehab! (The voice on the other end of the phone is really whiney.)

“Is that a man or a woman?” my sisters asks, re: Lafayette. Lafayette rolls his eyes and curls his eyelashes. I like his “L” necklace. You go, girlfriend.

Eggs and Tara kiss over the bar at Merlotte’s. Arlene rushes in, and is really glad that Sam isn’t there. She grabs Tara and hustles her into the women’s restroom, which happens to be where Lafayette has been applying his makeup. “Excuse you,” Arlene says. “It says “ladies” on that door.” “So what you skank-hos doin’ in here?” Lafayette sasses.

“Watch yourself, bitch,” Tara says. “I am,” Lafayette replies, his eyes trained on the mirror. “And I’s [something] gorgeous.” Oh Lafayette. I wish we all had your unique brand of confidence. Wait… maybe not.

As Lafayette exits the bathroom, Tara asks, “How’s your leg?” She knows that he was shot, and yet his leg looks fine now. Suspicious! “I got a powerful immune system,” Lafayette lies. “You got a powerful death wish is what you got,” Tara answers. “And we’re gonna talk about this later.” Good luck!

Basically, Terry runs off every time Arlene tries to get past first base with him (PTSD!), but last night Arlene and Terry drank until Arlene blacked out. “You blacked out?” Tara asks, concerned. What a coincidence! Arlene is worried that while she was blacked out, she might have “had her way” with Terrry.

“Are you telling me you date-raped Terry Bellefleur?” Tara asks, deadpan. Then, not at all deadpan, “How’s that even possible?!” Arlene doesn’t know, but Terry was acting “so weird when we woke up. I mean, weirder than usual.” Haha. Poor Terry. And there were “certain telltale signs” that they had done it. But Arlene doesn’t remember anything!

Out at the bar (heh), Lafayette meets Eggs. (Lafayette is wearing a cut-up blue sweatshirt that says “Bitch” in silver. He’s wearing colors again, so maybe the Eric-blood influence is wearing off a bit?) Lafayette snarks that the first time he ain’t chasing after trouble, it just came walking in his front door. Because Eggs is hot! Hot eggs! Yum. “Look at you. Damn. Ain’t nothing good can come out of something so pretty.”

Lafayette is a prophet. A prophet with “pizzazz.”

“You must be Lafayette,” Eggs says. Ya think? “Tara’s Eggs?” Lafayette asks. He just looks at Eggs’ outstretched hand, but doesn’t shake it. (Note: Lafayette’s eyes look fierce, as in beautiful.) “You know, that just don’t sound right,” Tara says, returning to the conversation. Really, Tara? You’re first realizing that Eggs is a ridiculous name? Also, Eggs is wearing at least two weird necklaces. One of them has a charm that looks like a globe. And the charms are black. Sinister!

Tara: Your name’s Benedict. Why don’t people call you Ben?
Lafayette: Or DICKt.
Tara: Behave.

“Satan in a Sunday hat, girl,” Lafayette retorts. “I’m trying to tell you: Satan in a beautiful fuckin’ Sunday hat.” Is he trying to say that Eggs is too pretty to be true? Because he’s right. And he’s also right about the Satan thing. Did Eric’s blood give Lafayette these powers, or has he always been this good?

Andy storms into the bar, looking for Terry (reminder: Terry is his cousin). Andy is, of course, a totally disheveled mess. (Behold, the Fool.) “Terry Bellefleur!” Andy shouts, “Get out here! I’ma kick your ass so hard, you’ll be shitting boots!” Ha. Tara asks Andy what happened to his arm (Terry’s zombie judo-chop happened to his arm), and Andy says, “I ain’t talking to you, devil worshipper.” HA! Andy’s comic gold.

Sam enters Merlotte’s from some faux-rock side entrance, and hears Andy ranting to the crowded restaurant about how he saw all of them last night. “At what?” Tara asks. “Oh, go ahead, deny it, laugh at the crazy drunk guy, but I know what I saw. Terry!”

Arlene tells Andy that Terry isn’t there, and offers to call him. “Fuck you, zombie woman!” Andy replies. “Fuck all ya’ll devil-zombies! Turning this town into an orgy from hell.” Preach it, Andy! Sam is walking toward Andy, looking increasingly bewildered.

How did Andy resist Maryann’s pull? Is Andy a “supernatural?” If so, why isn’t Maryann targeting Andy, the way she’s targeting Sam? (Or is she already targeting him? After all, she left Miss Jeannette’s dead body in ANDY’S car.)

“I’ll stop ya,” Andy vows to the people at Merlotte’s. “I will stop ya, if it’s the last thing I ever do!” With that, he storms out of the bar. “Did you smell him?” Arlene laughs. Sam stands there, narrowing his eyes at Tara. “Sam, you look like you just saw a ghost,” Arlene says. He just saw something supernatural, that’s for sure. WHAT IS ANDY?

Jessica is still asleep in the hotel bed. Hoyt is scattering red petals around the room, which is also decorated with strategically place red candles. Best of all, the song “Bleeding Love” is playing. Hoyt is planning out a really sexy night, teen girl style. (Appropriately, Jessica is a teen, but now that’s she’s a vampire I guess it’s okay that she’s a minor.)

Jessica wakes up and looks around, a bit bewildered. (Also, she has been wearing the same underwear for two episodes now. Is that okay for vampires? Because it’s kind of gross for people.) Hoyt sees that Jessica is awake. “Oh hey,” he says. “I was just decorating.” For their sex party? (Also, Hoyt is now shirtless but is still wearing his jeans. And he’s wearing a fugly brown hotel robe.) (How glad am I that Hoyt avoided the sex orgy? SO GLAD.)

Hoyt got the red candles at the gift store downstairs. “They’re blood scented. To me they just smell like soup.” (Ha.) Jessica looks concerned. “You like ‘em?” Hoyt asks. She shakes her head “no,” but says, “They’re perfect.” Hoyt is jazzed. “That’s what I was going for.” He kneels down next to the bed. “Because you’re perfect. And I want your first time to be as perfect as you are.”

“Hoyt,” Jessica interrupts whatever he is trying to say. “Just… take off your pants.” He complies, and he jumps into bed with the pants still around his ankles… and the robe is still on.

I’m worried that Hoyt is to Jessica what Sarah is to Jason. In other words, he’s a little too idealistic and adoring. Jessica’s young and has just been unleashed. Will she really want to settle down with Hoyt? Someone’s going to get hurt.

Nighttime. Jason is still running down the dirt road, knife in hand (seriously, how big is the compound?). That crazy ATV car speeds around the corner. UH OH! Jason stops running, because it’s Sarah. BAD LIFE CHOICE.  Sarah grabs something from the passenger seat as she gets out of the car. She’s backlight, so all we can see is her silhouette.

“Thank God it’s you,” Jason says. “I’ve been running for hours. Steve and Gabe? They’ve gone crazy. They’re trying to kill me.” Jason ought to know from Sarah’s out-of-control hair that she’s gone crazy, too. The volume!

Sarah holds up a big gun (sorry, I don’t know guns—that’s as specific as I get). “Sarah, no!” Jason says. I guess the gun has a silencer, because we don’t hear a loud gunshot, but Jason grabs his chest and falls. SARAH SHOT HIM.

Daphne is standing on the pier in her pink dress. Hours later? Really? Did Maryann tell her to wait there? (Also, where has Daphne been living, during this I-don’t-know-Maryann espionage?)

Maryann walks onto the dock. “Finally,” Daphne says. “I’ve missed you.” “Thank you,” Maryann replies. “For your service.” She kisses Daphne on the mouth (a peck, not a makeout.) Then Eggs walks up with his zombie eyes and STABS DAPHNE IN THE CHEST, right under her left breast.

Big duh: Daphne’s surprised. Her mouth fills up with blood, and it all starts spilling out. (Is that really what would happen? And so fast?) She looks so sad. But that’s what happens when you work for Satan’s handmaiden. Maryann just grins at Daphne as the blood spills everywhere. Bitch.

Gabe enters the Fellowship Basement/Dungeon, looking PISSED. “What happened to your face?” Hugo asks. Jason happened to his face! “Listen, she knows everything, which never would have happened if you hadn’t kept me locked down here with a goddamned mind-reader.” True. Sookie just stands there with her arms crossed, annoyed.

Gabe enters the cage. “I hope the reverend knows that I’m going to need protection now,” Hugo rages. Here’s some protection: Gabe punches Hugo in the stomach and proceeds to beat him, calling Hugo a “fang-banging sack of shit.” So… this is kind of a bad time for Sookie to say “I told you so,” but… she told him so.

“Stop it!” Sookie yells, running to help Hugo, even though… traitor. She jumps on Gabe and he slams her into a shelf. OW! That was definitely a stunt double (or should have been). Gabe starts to strangle Sookie as retaliation for the whole Jason karate incident, and she manages to say, “Get your filthy hands off me!” “What’s wrong, your own kind not good enough for you?” Gabe asks. “How ‘bout I show you what you were [something]?” UH OH.

Sookie screams, and Bills hears it. But… he’s still Lorena’s prisoner. This has been a total bottle episode for poor Bill. (What happened to his bleeds? Did he rest?) Lorena is telling him her life story, I guess. She’s saying some blah blah about Miami, and Bill throws a chair at her and tries to leave. But Lorena pins him against the door.

Too bad the chair was made of wood, because now Lorena has a chair-leg stake. “Open that door and I will end you,” she says, holding the stake in prime back-staking position.

Another 1935 flashback? Okay, I guess. Lorena and Bill are fighting. Ugh, enough of this. “I have given you everything,” Lorena yells. “EVERYTHING! And you’d throw it away, moaning over what you’ve lost.” She’s wearing a green dress, if that’s significant. Bill disgusts Lorena, but she refuses to let him go. (Maybe he would disgust her less if he lost the orange robe.)

“I made you, and you are mine!” Lorena snits. “You know I don’t love you!” Bill shouts, pointing the lamp-globe thing at her. Okay, it’s the exact same flashback as before. Gosh, vampires love to fight with furniture. Lorena says that Bill has never tried to love her. “I have spent decades trying!” Bill rages. “I despise myself for what I did for you!” They need to go to couples’ counseling. (Also, Bill loved Sookie at first sight. You can’t force it, Lorena.)

“I killed innocent people to prove to you that I loved you,” Bill says, getting sadder as sadder as he talks. “But it was pure Nihilism… I do not—I cannot—I will never love you.” Really, Bill? Nihilism? Apparently Bill has been spending many a vampire night reading in his bathrobe.

“Men have readily laid down their lives just to spend one night with me,” Lorena says, her voice full of spite. Oh Lorena, you’re getting a little desperate here. And now she’s crying. “What more can I give? What is it that you want from me?”

Bill just wants her to let him go! Lorena warns that if Bill leaves, he’ll be alone forever. (Or not.) “You’re the one who’s afraid of that,” Bill counters. Touche! “You are the saddest, loneliest creature I have ever known.”

“How dare you!” Lorena slams Bill into a wooden table, and it shatters. Ugh, sorry set dec! He grabs a shard of the wooden table and points it at Lorena. “You hate me that much?” she asks. “Let me go,” Bill pleads. But Lorena shakes her head. “I cannot live without you.” (Um, Lorena? Technically, you’re already dead.)

“You won’t have to,” Bill says, turning the stake toward his own chest. No! (It’s not that suspenseful, because we already know that he doesn’t do it.) “As your maker, I release you,” Lorena says, crying blood tears. (Do they add those in post, or what?)

Okay, back in the hotel. “You released me,” Bill reminds Lorena. Really, the whole flashback for that?

Also, these flashbacks are further proof that Bill kind of exaggerated to Sookie about how hard vampires used to have it. Going to musicals? Wearing fancy robes? Wow, what an underground life. Tough stuff.

Bill asks Lorena what she could possibly have to gain from holding him captive, and she responds that he’s making a fool of himself, with Sookie. “You have no future with her. Everyone knows it but you.” Sookie and Bill really were made for each other. Remember last episode, when we realized that Sookie had never contemplated Bill’s immortality? Come on, you two! Snap out of it!

Bill’s facing Lorena now, and she maybe gets the stake into Bill’s skin? There’s a weird sound effect. “Someday you’ll see this for what it is,” Lorena says. “An act of love.” Someday? Does that mean that she’s not going to stake him? Or that she believes that staked vampires can later reflect on things from on high? My guess would be that staked vampires are entirely finished, fade to black.

And then—saved by the knock. Lorena covers Bill’s mouth and says, “Yes?” It’s Barry! He delivers his message to Bill: Sookie’s in the basement of the Fellowship church with the sheriff, and she’s in trouble.

Across the hall Eric is sitting in his hotel room, and he hears the message with his vampire-good hearing. (But he didn’t hear Lorena and Bill arguing and Bill saying that he wanted to call Eric? Weird.) (But supposedly Eric was sleeping, at that point.) Eric bursts out of his hotel room so fast that Barry doesn’t see him, and disappears down the hall. “This is the last time I’m doing you and your vampire buddies a favor,” Barry thinks to Sookie. “So don’t even…” But then a vamp-hand reaches out and grabs him! (I think it’s Lorena.) Barry’s back in the mix!

Sookie probably didn’t hear Barry, because Gabe is slapping her silly on the floor. Except it’s not silly. It’s pretty terrifying. Gabe is fixin’ to rape Sookie (from behind?), when something pulls him up into the air.

Guess who? It’s Godric! The first time I watched this on Sunday night, I was painting with watercolors (you don’t know my life!) and somehow I missed this whole scene up until Godric’s close-up. I literally screamed when I saw him. YES! He’s so much hotter now than he was with all that dried blood goop around his mouth in the Viking flashback. He’s also dressed kind of like a mental patient (loose white shirt), and possibly his nose has a slight bleed? It might just be the lighting.

No wonder Eric agreed to be a companion to Death. Yum.

But before we can get acquainted—cut to black. (I can’t WAIT to hear him talk next week. Good call on the not-talking this week, though. It’s spooky!) After all this talk about how evil Eric and Godric can be, Godric just prevented a rape. So… I like him.

Daphne got the RIP we were waiting for. Jason is shot, but I am willing to bet that he drinks vampire blood and it all ends up a-okay for him. (Funny— Jason almost got stabbed, then got shot. Daphne almost got shot, then got stabbed. Arlene thinks she raped Terry, Gabe almost raped Sookie. Lots of parallels!) Barry is with Bill and Lorena, Hoyt and Jessica are having sex. And oh yeah, no wonder Maryann picked ex-con Eggs to live with her. He’s still a criminal—he just doesn’t know it. And I’m betting that the bloody rock is the site of another of his zombie-eyed killings.

Also, if Maryann is immortal, does that mean she’s NOT going to die this season? I really want her to die. Looks like we’re gonna need to get a bigger boat!

Oh yeah, next week on: Godric says, “I am here, my child.” Eric kneels down in front of him. (Heh. I don’t know what happens next.) Steve says something about Armageddon, lots of people fight, Eric volunteers himself in Godric’s place and gets all tied up in chains (WHAT? Why doesn’t he just kick some Fellowship ass?), and Steve yells, “There WILL be a holy bonfire at dawn!” But I always think that he’s going to say, “There WILL be blood!” Which would be just as appropriate, really. And the episode is called “Timebomb.” So that’s that.

xoxo…

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