Epic Recap: TRUE BLOOD Episode 205 (Part Two)

Shapeshifter bonding time! Nice balls!
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Episode 205, “Never Let Me Go.” Original air date: 7/20/09. This is part two of two (of my recap). (Here’s part one.) I feel like a champion right now.

Aaaand we’re back. Late night post… I’m practically keeping vampire hours (and loving it), thanks to these nightly recaps. Jumping right in…

The sun is glaring down upon the Soldiers of the Sun (appropriate) as they face their next hurdle (literally, I guess): a chain-link fence. Because in the movies, people running away from scary things always have to climb chain link fences, and I’m pretty sure that these drills are all derived from FICTION, even in a fictional world. Out-run a vampire? Out-climb a vampire? Pssh. Be serious. There’s a cute red-headed girl in the bunch now, which makes me think that this was a different day, and Central Casting was like, we sent that mouse girl somewhere else.

The Soldiers are REALLY struggling to get over this fence, which is kind of funny. Didn’t these grown men ever climb a fence to play hooky at school, or to trespass onto private property? Oh wait, they’re church people. Church people are soft! (Except for the ones with criminal pasts who get “reborn.” Those guys are one slipped-up repression away from a Violent Incident.) The first guy we see attempting to conquer the fence manages to hurl himself over, but falls pitifully into the dirt. Foreshadowing!

Luke is next. He makes one half-assed attempt to scale the fence and gives up immediately, falling to the floor like a big baby (and he was a football player). This IS his pace! “If you’re laying down, you better be dead!” Drill Sergeant barks. I love him right about now, misguided as he may be. Everybody’s shirts say L.O.D.I., which keeps making me think of a real city in California called Lodi. It’s sort of a hole, which only adds to my enjoyment of this scene. This camp is a hole, too! A Sex Hole! A hole full of a-holes! Etc.

The Drill Sergeant tells Luke that his whole family is on the other side of the fence, and that if he doesn’t get over it within 30 seconds, they’ll bleed to death from their vampire-related injuries. What is Luke going to be able to do to save his whole family in the next 30 seconds? Cauterize their severed arteries? Give them blood transfusions? Any way you look at this scenario, he’s shit out of luck.

All of the Drill Sergeant’s bullshit (actually, everything about the Fellowship of the Sun and this whole leadership camp experience) is a pretty cool way of illustrating how people can manipulated to believe anything that’s presented to them, under the right circumstances. Nobody is asking questions. I have to admit that on my first, more surface viewing, I noticed that the Drill Sergeant was a shouting, intimidating man, moreso than I really listened to what he was saying. This show works on all sorts of levels. Me likee.

Luke breaks down crying, because his hypothetically attacked family is hypothetically dead, and it’s all hypothetically his fault. Pathetic. Drill Sergeant faces the rest of the group that has yet to cross the fence (Jason included) and says that Luke is a “big fat loser” (the Biggest Loser?), and has brought shame upon all of them, and upon his religion (ouch!). PS, I just noticed that they are crossing a fence. Get it? Cross? Crossing over? In case you haven’t guessed, this is a religious place. Okay, I’m starting to read too much into this. I am spending WAY TO MUCH TIME on this scene.

But it’s still going… “What’s a real leader gonna do?” Drill Sergeant asks. “Just leave me,” Luke moans. “Get rid of me.” He’s standing against the fence now, in a very mountable position, and Jason is looking at him in a way that could be described as… “strangely intense.” (I am still feeling Bill’s influence!) Jason runs to the fence and climbs it like freakin’ Spider-Man. When he gets to the top, he turns back and offers a hand to Luke. In a very dramatic moment (cue dramatic music), Luke reaches the top of the fence. “It’s not too late,” Jason says (Sarah licks her lips, her eyes surely on Jason’s ass). “You go and save your family.”

If you weren’t already sure that the Fellowship stuff is the comic relief of this episode, the next part drives it home. As Jason says, “… save your family,” he slyly pushes Luke off the top of the fence. Instead of leaping or climbing down, Luke falls to the ground likes a sack of potatoes. It’s hilarious. Trust. “Now that’s a freaking Soldier of God,” Drill Sergeant says, as Jason leaps expertly off the fence. Duplicitous? Vengeful? That’s a Soldier of God, all right. Sarah is in.

Back in Dallas, it’s nighttime. Bill, Sookie and Eric (welcome to episode 5, Eric… where were you?) are standing in some posh living room, arguing with Godric’s hench-vamps (lieutenants?), Isabel and Stan. Bill really took Sookie’s declaration of womanhood to heart, because he tells the vamps to “Respect her!” Of course, it’s really hard not to mentally add “authoritah!” to the end of that. Garbly-voiced Stan thinks that the Fellowship is the only group with the organization to kidnap Godric. Really? Because looking at them from the inside, they don’t seem particularly coordinated. If the kidnapping involved a fence, forget it.

Isabel pitches in with the voice of reason. “They’re amateurs! It doesn’t make any sense.” We are reminded that Godric is 2000 years old. He’s the real life 2000-year-old man! Godric and Eric should revive that great old Mel Brooks/Carl Reiner act. “Do you remember all the people you’ve bitten?” “I remember one. Shirley, she had a nice complexion. The rest are a vague blur of yelling and screaming.” Being a vampire is such a schlep. Oy yoy yoy! Somebody pull me off the stage!

Okay, back to the episode. Sookie wants to infiltrate the Fellowship and use her telepathic skills to gather intel. (PS: She doesn’t know that her brother Jason is involved with the Fellowship. He lied to her that he was going to a retreat at some local church.) Stan wants to stage an attack on the Fellowship. Once again, Isabel shoots him down. “Hmm, vampire-hating church annihilated. Wonder who did it. Fucking brilliant.” Isabel should be writing these recaps. She’s on fire.

Bill agrees with Isabel that an attack would hurt the international vampire political agenda. (Remember rule #2, everybody: In-fighting in the gay community re: political agenda? True story.). Stan says, “The Great Revelation is the biggest political mistake we ever made.” Isabel warns Stan not to use Godric to make his own power play.

If I didn’t know better (and I think I do, because I’ve read the upcoming-episode ultra-short recaps), I would guess that Stan kidnapped Godric, as an excuse to enact his own agenda. We need to see the WMDs before we invade! Stan is very obviously a cowboy, and I’m starting to think that he’s True Blood’s little tip-o’-the-hat to Dubya. Er, one of many.

“You’re completely incompetent!” Eric rages. He’s really antsy in the pantsy right now. “What’s happened to Godric that he surrounds himself with clowns?” I kind of imagine that he’s off somewhere, surrounding by literal circus clowns, clapping his hands in delight (which might be the case, considering that we are about to find out that he is an eternal teenager). Isabel and Stan remind Eric that he has no authority in Texas. Oooh, this is what it feels like to be Bill. Ooh. Snap on that, Eric.

Stan calls Sookie and Bill “puppets,” and Sookie sasses, “I’m nobody’s puppet.” Be quiet, Sookie. You’re everybody’s puppet. Stan wants to declare a war, which he saw in a movie (?). He’s totally Dubya.

Speaking of Dubya-esque people, here’s Steve Newlin, arguing with his wife. In the foreground, Drill Sergeant (sans hat) is reminding me of… the Junkyard Magister from season one? Nah, can’t be the same actor. Still can’t place him. Sarah wants to be a partner, but Steve is shutting her out. Did we sense that before? I don’t know, but it’s true as of right now. Okay. Sarah can ride along will the Drill Sergeant, but she isn’t allowed in the Big Boys’ Plotting Club, aka the He-Man Woman Haters’ Club. (Even though some of the soldiers are women? Ugh, Central Casting, what’s going on?)

Drill Sergeant (Gabe?) has given Reverend Steve some very valuable information, and Sarah fumes, “I told you I didn’t care for this! We’re going too darn far.” Darn! I mean it! Darn you! But the Menfolks don’t listen to her at all anymore. They’re going to put things in motion (ha). My guess is that Sarah still has a soft spot for vamps. She supported the VRA until vampires (supposedly) killed her V-addict sister. (That’s what you get for becoming a V addict.)

Just as Sarah is getting really huffy, Jason enters and clears the clouds away. Sarah sings Jason’s praises to Steve, based on his excellent fence-climbing etc. (Read: She has the hots for him.) Steve tells Jason that he’s rising to the next level (haha and also: foreshadowing), and takes Jason down to the basement to show off his extensive collection of vampire-slaying weaponry. (Sarah is not allowed, but at least she gets a parting glance at Jason’s ass.)

Out of nowhere, Steve says, “Sometimes I understand why people believe in divorce.” “But you’ve got Sarah,” Jason points out. “Yeah,” Steve laughs. “I’ve got her even when I don’t want her.” WHOA. Domestic disturbance much? But hahaha, Steve is “just kiddin’.” (Also: Is Steve secretly gay? Knowing this show, probably.)

Steve welcomes Jason into the “research and development” lab, which is also a storage/wine closet in his basement. Multipurpose! Jason is impressed, because he’s really easy to impress. Steve has silver bullets, flame throwers, wooden crossbow arrows (“That’s right, Jason. An itty bitty stake to drive through a vampire’s dead rotten heart at three hundred and twenty-four feet per SECOND!”), etc etc. Like Stan, Steve seems to have based his war on a movie, because he has SILVER CROSS THROWING STARS. Ninjas to the rescue! Steve even ordered a GUILLOTINE (which he mispronounces and Jason has never heard of… did even he go to elementary school? So far, he hasn’t said or done anything which might provide evidence of a K-12 education).

Steve strikes a movie-star pose with a gun and says, “There’s one good thing about having these hell-beasts among us… we’ll find better ways to kill them.” (Okay, two men playing dress-up with guns… that’s a little bit gay if you apply the Freudian idea of the gun as a symbol for sex.) Jason holds a bazooka (or maybe a flame thrower? What do I know about weapons?) on his shoulder, and I worry that he’s going to accidentally pull the trigger (ha). But he doesn’t. Not yet, at least.

Nice loot, but I have to wonder how well this stuff will really work in the field… and is the ammo in the basement all that they’ve got (it’s not much)? They have silver bullets with holy water, and we already know that holy water isn’t actually harmful to vampires (but silver is… ouch!). Wooden bullets? That sounds silly; I’m not an expert in physics (if you are, please advise), but gunpowder will likely annihilate the wood, and air-power won’t provide enough speed for the wood to be able to puncture anything. Also, that bullet would have to hit a vamp directly in the heart to have a possible shot at killing him/her. I have a feeling we’ll be seeing this stuff in action sooner or later… and “all will be revealed,” as Sarah would say.

Maryann pulls up to Merlotte’s, and at first I think that she’s waiting for Daphne to drop dead so that she can cut her heart out. But no, she’s just there to sit outside in the car and use her long-distance mindfreak powers to make everyone be mean to Tara all at once (that’s not hard, since Terry, Arlene, Sam, and Daphne are having their little cross-coupling feud). Now Tara will feel sad and insecure and let Maryann and company stay at Sookie’s house. Well played, Maryann! But I still can’t stand you. I’m giving you one paragraph. Look around. In these parts, that’s a snub. Also, Daphne looks a little too much like Sookie, in that Merlotte’s outfit. That’s a pretty good sign that she’s going to die before Sookie gets back to work.

Back at the Fellowship of the Sproings, Jason is soaking in a bath in a very luxurious bathroom. Gosh, soaking in free-standing bathtubs is practically a motif on this show (in case you forgot: Bill & Sookie, Eric). Sarah sneaks into the bathroom, and Jason, not knowing who it is, yells, “The bathtub’s occupied!” in that spot-on Dubya voice that he often slips into (I’m willing to bet that Aussie actor Ryan Kwanten used Dubya as one of his models when he was learning the accent). Of course, when he realizes that the intruder is Sarah, he grabs his towel and goes into modesty mode.

Remember last year, when Jason was a humping machine? Right about now, that seems like a distant memory. Not to fear: Jason is about to get his groove back.

Sarah is definitely not in modesty mode. She locks herself into the bathroom and kneels next to the tub, rolling up her sleeve. She sticks her hand into the tub, and Jason begins to FREAK HIS SHIT OUT. But she isn’t doing what you thought she was about to do… not yet, anyway. Her hand comes back into frame and we see that she’s scrubbing Jason with a green loofah. She has this daffy look on her face, and you just know that she’s INTO him. “Really, really, and then some more,” as Hoyt would say.

Jason smiles, thinking that the danger has passed. Then things get WEIRD. “Mary Magdalene washed the feet of Jesus,” Sarah informs him. “And dried them with her hair. Isn’t that lovely?” Ya’ll probably knew that, but I did not. It’s kind of a wacky fact, but the line is all sorts of freaky because we realize that Sarah is equating Jason with Jesus. YIKES. You can tell she really wants to dry stuff off with her own hair, and that seems like a borderline mental disorder. Sarah is off her meds!

Re: Mary Magdalene, Jason says, “Wasn’t she like… a hooker?” (Okay, so maybe Jason went to Bible elementary school.) “She was not!” Sarah replies. “Everybody thinks that, but… that’s not in the Bible.” DOUBLE YIKES. Sarah totally wants to believe that she’s Mary Magdalene and that the full story is off the books, because she wants it to be okay to have sex with Jesus/Jason. (But… uh… don’t Christians believe that Jesus never had sex? Obviously Sarah has been daydreaming her way through Bible study.) “She admired Jesus,” Sarah says. “And she loved him. And she wanted to show him…” Sarah lowers the loofah into the water (HER WEDDING RING IS STILL ON HER HAND), and from the way Jason jerks (heh) and grabs onto the tub, we know exactly what she’s trying to wash next.

“No,” Jason whispers. “You don’t mean it,” Sarah replies. It’s totally the Last Temptation of Jason. “No I don’t,” he says. “But I oughta.” Sarah thinks that after all of Jason’s trials, God wants him to have a reward. “Let me reward you, Jason.” Jason holds the loofah and Sarah’s hand submerges. “Let me find your way back to joy.” And so, Jason lets her. I mean, God wants Jason to receive this Blessed hand job. How can he say no to that?

I can give you one reason why he should say no to that: Remember how her husband just showed you a basement full of weapons, Jason? Have you already forgotten what a GUILLOTINE does??

PS Can we agree that a hand job is kind of a weak reward? Judging from Jason’s sexual prowess last year, he has probably been giving himself this reward at least twice a day. I mean, not to be the master of the obvious or anything. But does Sarah realize that this is sort of a crappy reward from God, in the grand scheme of rewards for Jason, sexual and otherwise? Probably not.

Back in vampire-Dallas, zero progress has been made in the what’s-the-plan? discussion. Stan is outlining a preemptive strike, and Isabel protests that the federal government will bomb them “back into the Middle Ages.” Stan doesn’t care. “Things were better then.” Isabel has had enough of Stan. “Then go to Romania and live in a cave, you ranchero poser!” I like Isabel’s accent. Considering that Stan was (apparently) around in the Middle Ages, he sure has lost his accent. Too bad. I like accents. I’m about to get my reward for writing this recap, because… cool accents are right around the corner.

Eric uses his super-vamp speed-strength to whip a dainty urn across the room. Haha. I could have done that, and I have wimpy blog-writer muscles (and maybe carpal tunnel?). He is really mad. He is yelling! We’ve just gone through the exact same beats we saw in their last scene together. Stan and Isabel argue. Eric yells at them for being stupid. Way to propel the story.

Oh, Bill and Sookie are still here. “Don’t any of you care that there is a traitor in your midst?” Bill asks. I’m not sure how we came to that conclusion, but if there is, they ought to care. A lot. Oh, there’s a traitor because Sookie was almost kidnapped from the airport, and Stan and Isabel (and Eric and Bill and Tara and Jessica… off the top of my head) were the only ones who knew she was coming. Of course, Stan and Isabel each accuse the other of being the traitor. Seriously, how do they work together on a regular basis? Do they relay all of their messages through Godric?

“Look, if you all argue anymore, I’m either gonna fall asleep or start screaming,” Sookie interjects. Wow, I actually agree with Sookie. She really is a woman now! She makes the executive decision to infiltrate the church (welcome back to the previous Dallas scene), which is funny, considering that she’s by far the lowest in the pecking order (haha, not about the potential sex joke but because my roommate uses the term “peck” to mean “snack,” and vampires like to snack on humans) in this room.

Of course, Bill doesn’t want Sookie to put herself in danger, because he’s not around during the Light of Day. She could get hit by a bus crossing the street, Bill! Let her live, already. Sookie reassures Bill that her plan will be quick and simple, which… uh oh, famous last words.

Stan leaves, pissed, wanting “no part of this.” He already has enough info to go do his moley moley thing, if in fact he is the traitor. Bill pulls Eric aside. As soon as it’s just Isabel and Sookie, Isabel wants to talk about Sookie’s “human-vampire relationship.” Even when your boss is kidnapped, there’s always time to dish about boyfriends. Women and their relationship gossip, right? You know how it is!

Bill is mad at Eric. As usual. In case Eric forgot (and it was only about 2 days ago in real-time), Sookie was just “clawed and poisoned by a creature we don’t know, and can’t find” (Maryann, right?). (Also, looks like they didn’t forget about the poison– Daphne’s gonna die, and eat dirt in the you’re-dead way as opposed to the we’re-extras-at-a-Sex-Party way.) “All this for a colleague?” Bill asks, incredulous. “For the sheriff of Area 9?” Okay, this is a little bit funny because that alien movie called DISTRICT 9 (right?) is coming out soon. This is starting to remind me of THE NINES (a sort of obscure Ryan Reynolds movie)! Agent 99! GET SMART.

“Why?” Bill presses, and I’m pretty sure that Godric was Eric’s boyfriend. He seems to have a thing for Lafayette, so the gayness isn’t entirely unprecedented. (See the previously laid out rules.) Also… when you live for one thousand years, I’m guessing that you go through a bi-curious phase, at the very least. Imagine Eric chillin’ at Versailles with all of those powder-wigged courtesans and fops. He would be sleeping with EVERYBODY, believe you me.

FLASHBACK to Eric’s long hair. Oh wait, it’s not just the long hair of yesterweek– it’s his Viking past. He is still human, but he’s not completely alive. His compatriots are dragging him along a path. The colors have been majorly tweaked in post so it’s hard to tell what the weather is like, but it’s probably pretty hot? They’re panting and sweating (ha). Eric drops to the ground, and tells his men to go on without him. I’m assuming he’s speaking Swedish, because Alexander Skarsgard is Swedish (and the actor who plays Godric is apparently Danish, so he’s ready for his close-up). Is he speaking Olde Timey Viking Swedish? I have no idea, but the commitment to non-English is good enough for me. I am hooked on phonics!

Eric is obviously awesome, because his two companions refuse to leave him, even though he’s dead weight. “…You saved our lives a hundred times,” the subtitles explain, re: why they love him. They want to be by his side when he dies, so that he can have a hero’s farewell. Hero’s farewell? This reminds me of when I had to read Beowulf in 11th grade, only it’s a whole lot better. (Beowulf was not even cool as a 3-D movie with naked Angelina Jolie. Give up, Beowulf. We already gave you a hero’s farewell.)

To make Eric feel better, I guess, his friends tell him that the gods are waiting for him in Valhalla, and that there will be a party for him, full of meat (HA), gold, beer, and women. Wow, Valhalla sounds like a blingy (gay?) nightclub. Valhalla is Tiger Heat, maybe. Even dying, Eric is smooth. “Wherever I am…” he says, taking a looong pause to catch his breath (or maybe it’s just for timing?) “…there will always be women.” Slap me five! Dying Eric is a laff riot. He also makes dirt-caked face look HOT.

CUT TO: EXT CLEARING- NIGHT. Eric is nearer to death. “Don’t be afraid,” his friend says. “I’m not afraid,” Eric replies. “I’m pissed off.” WAIT A SEC? Did Vikings say “pissed off”? Is that a Viking phrase? Did he say an ancient version of “pissed off,” and it’s translated for our edification? Obviously I am too obsessed with this. I am being the Matt Weiner of detail-oriented-ness about this scene. (And I mean that in the best way possible, because Matt Weiner… just wait until Mad Men starts up again. But here I am again, always looking to the future. I need to live in the present and get my head back into Eric’s past.) Now I’ve got to learn ancient Swedish so that I can double-check this dialogue! (Where’s my inhalor?)

Suddenly, scary music. There’s a disturbance in the force. Godric zips through and apparently slits a few throats? Because three-gallon squibs explode out of those other guys’ necks. Kind of odd that Godric chose that tactic, as opposed to feeding on them. Right? As Bill might say, Godric made a “strangely intense” choice.

Godric lands next to Eric, looking totally Peter Pan. He has the right hair for it. Godric is shirtless and has several tribal tattoos, although, once again, I would need to do my research to tell you what they symbolize and/or what tribe they’re from, and if you’re still reading at this point… you’re not, nobody is reading this far, except for me. Obviously. In some trendy duds and without the blood-covered chin, Godric is going to be HOT in modern times (also, I IMDB’d him, and he is).

Eric thinks that Godric is Death, which makes sense, because it’s Viking times and all. I think this is pre-Grim Reaper imagery, so Peter Pan as Death? Works for me. It’s definitely pre-THE SEVENTH SEAL (which, by the way– Swedish). Godric says that he is, indeed, Death. What a liar (or not). “But you’re just a little boy,” Eric says. “Looks can be deceiving” Godric replies. “That’s why we’re DATING IN THE DARK.” (Get it? Get it?) (Also, Godric did not say that either of those lines. He said, “I’m not.” He keeps it simple, stupid.) Eric calls Godric a swine for killing his men, which is funny because… remember Maryann’s swine? It’s a story-crossing, time-transcending joke. Good one, dying Eric. Slap me five again!

Godric was watching Eric on the battlefield last night (PEEPING TOM), and he was impressed. “I’d fight you right now if I could,” Eric says. I think they would definitely do a little wrestling, at least. “I know,” Godric says. “It’s beautiful.” Between the Swedish (?) and the bittersweet tone of Godric’s performance, he is totally killing in this scene. (Get it? Get it?) Methinks Allan Hyde is a really good actor, judging from this sneak peek. Those Nords, man. And he speaks Danish (continental breakfast!), English, and possibly Swedish, FOR STARTERS. Europe, you win.

How many non-Americans are in this cast? Jason, Bill, Eric, and Godric are from overseas, and Anna Paquin was at least born and partially (fully?) raised outside of the US, though I’m not sure of her citizenship status. I am loving the internationality of it all, because it means OTHER LANGUAGES and SUBTITLES! I am geeking out. Oh, and also, Pam speaks Swedish with Eric, even though I think she’s American. That’s commitment. Remember when she said, “Sookie’s bror?” Her accent fooled me.

This is a nice long block of Swedish-speaking. It reminds me of my first internship, where the assistant at the desk across the room from mine spoke Swedish pretty much every time he answered his cellphone. I loved listening to those conversations, and he didn’t care because I don’t know a word of Swedish. I wonder if Allan Hyde and Alexander Skarsgard speak Swedish/Danish to each other on set, just because they can (apparently Swedish, Danish, and Norwegian have enough in common that they can all understand each other). It’s like shapeshifter bonding! Not really.

Anyway, Eric asks “Death” to kill him, but Godric offers him an alternative. “Could you be a companion to Death?” he asks. “Could you walk with me through the world, through the dark? I’ll teach you all I know.” Sounds good, right? And a little bit like a marriage proposal. Also: Awww, Death is a lonely boy. “I’ll be your father, your brother, your child.” Hmm, judging from this website of Swedish words, looks like he actually said “son,” not “child.” But child is more suggestive, isn’t it? Godric is totally Eric’s boyfriend. Vampires love DATING IN THE DARK.

“What’s in it for me?” Eric asks. “What you love most,” Godric says. “Life.” Eric repeats the word, but it kind of catches in his throat and comes out like a groan, because he’s dying and all. This seems to be enough consent for Godric, who chomps down on Eric. Gotta love those pained-yet-aroused I’m-getting-sucked-dry-by-a-vamp faces. (We saw Bill’s in the Previously On.)

When you think about it, Godric… God… Eric is going to Valhalla, after all. Sorta. There will be women, and There Will Be Blood! (Get it? Yeah, you got it. While you were getting it, I drank your Milkshake with all the boys in the yard.)

Flashback over. Eric has been hot forever. Swoon. (When we first met him in Fangtasia he didn’t really seem to fit the ex-Viking part, but once I realized how tall he was, I was SOLD. Now I am DOUBLE SOLD.)  “Godric is my maker,” he says. Kind of anti-climactic for us, but it’s news to Bill.

Back at Merlotte’s… oh my gosh, I almost forgot about this sex scene. I was happy to see it when I wasn’t recapping, but now I’m ready for this episode to END. Recapping is hard work. It’s after-hours at the bar (the witching hour, as I call the 2am-ish part of the night, because that’s when people always get really confessional on the IM), and Sam wants to claim his sex reward from Daphne. He is being a little bit of a creeper about it, but come to think of it, he was kind of like this that time he took Sookie out for coffee. Oh Sam, you’re such a dog. (Literally.)

They make out in silhouette, and it’s shapeshifter bonding time again! “You run a little high,” Daphne says, and at first I think that she is talking about running while stoned. Actually, she means that Sam is warm. Haha. Shapeshifters have a core body temperature of 101 degrees F! “It’s a shifter thing.” Thanks, Professor Science. You’re welcome, Poindexter.

Daphne can’t believe that Sam’s never met another shapeshifter. (Is shapeshifter supposed to be hyphenated? Oh well, they’re mythical, so who cares? I’ll do better next time). Obviously his subscription to Shapeshifter Monthly got lost in the mail. Sam’s met werewolves, though. Yuck! He didn’t like them. Oh God, are there going to be werewolves? This is getting really NEW MOON. I’m sorry for going there, but it is. Is Sookie going to be caught in a vampire-werewolf love triangle? Say it ain’t so! (Also, RPattz and Stephen Moyer are both Brits… Brits make better vampires, I guess.)

Daphne asks Sam what it feels like to shift, and it basically feels orgasm-tastic, plus sparks (not literally). “It feels awesome,” Daphne agrees. Budweiser sign cameo! Sparks begin to fly! (Once again, not literally.) Budweiser pool table-light cameo! Clothes are removed. “Are you gonna say it, or should I?” Sam says. “Say what?” Daphne and I both say. “Nice rack!” Good one, Sam. You’re a smooth operator. Daphne has to return the compliment, and the best she can come up with on short notice is, “Nice balls.” Which I guess is important if you’re a dog-man, but roomie and I were feeling a little WTF? (“Why the face?”) about the whole exchange. And then they fall onto the pool table, having sex. And… SCENE. Cut and print.

Daphne must have a no-nudity clause in her contract, because so far we’ve seen her naked from all angles except the front. But thanks to Sam, we can rest reassured that she has a nice rack. Also: If shapeshifting is so sex-esque… what if they accidentally shapeshift during sex? Interspecies FAIL.

Back at the hotel, Bill lets Sookie go to the front desk all by herself while he waits by the elevator. Nice job, Bill! Can’t be too clingy, or people will start calling you Edward Cullen. Sookie inquires about Barry the Bellboy, and finds out that he quit today. “WHAT?!” Sookie is shocked, but I am not. He his bellboy contract negotiations fell through. Also: Leave Barry Alone!

Tara returns home to find Maryann waiting up for her. She’s dressed in an outfit that is an eerie replica of the type of thing that Sookie’s Gran would wear. It’s really obvious because Maryann usually wears uber-sexual cleavage-baring tunics and sundresses… you know, not Gran’s style. Maryann acts like she’s going to leave, but of course Tara has changed her mind. “You’re so good to me.” Are you blind, Tara? Maryann says that she’s good to Tara “because you need it so much… and because it makes you bloom like a flower.”

Remember in THE 40-YEAR OLD VIRGIN, when Seth Rogen talked about planting the seed and fucking the plant? I think Maryann has a similar plan in store for Tara. Is she going to get Tara to bloom, and then suck the essence out of her? Turn her into a pig? I don’t know, but Maryann would be wearing a suit made out of Gran’s skin if Gran wasn’t already safely in the ground. I’d say no theory is too extreme.

Okay, let’s do a little math… Tara got an exorcism from Ms. Jeanette, and then Tara hit a pig with her car and got sent to jail. Maryann bailed Tara out of jail, and then Maryann killed Ms. Jeanette and cut her heart out. A lot of stuff happened after that (including: Maryann turned into a claw-monster and tried to poison Sookie), but the whole thing stemmed from the exorcism, I think. Is Maryann the demon that Ms. Jeanette exorcised from Tara’s body? But wait– Sam knew Maryann, about fifteen years ago. Ugh, this math is driving me crazy. But I think that the reason Maryann targeted Tara has something to do with the exorcism. Or with Tara’s mother, who introduced the whole exorcism/Ms. Jeanette story in the first place.

I haven’t seen CORALINE, but I think Maryann is the equivalent of the button-eyed mother. Tara just has to sew buttons over her eyes, and this storyline can finally disappear. Just sew the buttons, Tara. We’ll wait.

Eggs is reading in bed. Tara calls him the King of Sheba. She just wants to hold him all night in Bon Temps (foreshadowing).

Back in the hotel room, Bill complains (as usual) about what happened in the “lair.” (That was the chic-est lair I’ve ever seen. Why can’t he just call a house a house?) “You’re not like them,” Sookie says. I think Sookie is deluding herself, even though she’s kind of right. Bill is an inconsistent character (on purpose and not-on-purpose), so sometimes he’s like “them,” and sometimes he’s not. And sometimes his accent gets a little wonky-British, but we’ll keep him. He’s wearing a dorky bathrobe (not the first time), but we’ll still keep him. (Do vampires want to keep warm, or want to keep cold? “Moonlight” confused me with those crazy glowing ice-beds.)

“You have a heart,” Sookie tells Bill. “Whether it beats or not.” Awww, she should write for a vampire greeting card company. “Happy 1000th Anniversary to my eternal love. You have a heart, whether it beats or not.” (That’s one for Godric to send to Eric, or vice versa.) Bill gets romantic and/or chickens out: “Let’s slip away back to Bon Temps right now.” (Does Bon Temps mean “good times”? How did I miss this??) But Sookie gave her word to Eric. (Ooh, I think a love quadrangle is forming: Bill-Sookie-Eric-Godric… but where does Pam fit in? Where IS Pam, anyway?) Bill awfulizes about the mission, but Sookie reassures him, “I’ll be in and out [of that church], easy peasy.” Famous last words: “Easy peasy.”

Bill starts doing that weird thing that boyfriends tend to do from time to time, where they get sort of sad and wistful for no particular reason. Sookie rubs his chest. “It’s been a long night,” he says, his voice weary and small. “Don’t feel like you have to.” This is kind of haha, because I think he’s talking more about the biting than the sex. They have a lot of sex, so either Bill’s taking ladylike sips or Sookie spends all of the time that we’re not with her getting blood transfusions… or drinking Bill’s blood? Are they passing it back and forth?

“Quit talking crazy,” Sookie says. Boyfriends and their wistful crazy talk. Bill says that he’d be satisfied to simply hold her all night. I don’t know if I feel “awww” or “what a corndog” about that, but at least if Bill spends the night holding Sookie he will actually be sleeping and not just STARING at her like a creeper (I’m talking to you, Edward Cullen). But Sookie wants to have sex “every which way,” and Bill’s like, okay, but I want to keep the robe on this week. Everybody saw my ass in the premiere, and it’s only scheduled to appear every six episodes.

Play us out, “Bill and Sookie are having sex” score (if you’ve seen the show, you know the tune).

But oh no, the music gives way to a whooshing sound that accompanies a super-fast vampire-style camera movement. Out in the hallway, a woman approaches. Thanks to the Previously On (although that was almost an hour ago) and/or HBO’s True Blood character pages, we know that this woman is Bill’s MAKER! And she can hear them having sex. Honey Bunches of UH-OHS!

ROLL CREDITS

Between now and next Sunday, I am going to figure out how to cut down on the length of these recaps (duh: write less). I’m going Television Without Pity-long with these. Which is okay for them because they spread things out across twelve pages. And because I think writing those recaps is their day job.

If you read this far, please comment and tell me what to do. (All zero-to-one of you.)

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